Marital conflicts and resolve them?

But what about those without children? No problem, of course (!), Since each one has its own job, salary, account properly divided and personal space respected.

For a long time it was believed that and couples who had passed through difficult conflicts to discuss their conflicts for fear of being ridiculed. Regardless of religion, women tend to hear the classic phrase 'the wise woman builds his house' while men hear 'woman is complicated beast, or try to understand'.

The problems are experienced as anxiety which seems to be solved, because the social context currently experienced by couples requires moral and cognitive flexibility, allowing specific decisions taken, the development of practical skills to solve problems, leaving aside, however, the difficulty with which each spouse has their own interiority.

Researchers in family and marital conflicts indicate that the way in which to diagnose the presence of marital conflict is marked by observation of behaviors by the spouses, such as increased frequency of changes in tone of voice in discussions trivial increase in hard common criticism of attitudes (let the wet towel on the bed or forget to take out the trash), difficulty solving a routine problem (call the plumber) blaming each other rather than fix the leak, for example, among others.

There is no one absolute thinking by the couple, but think of a whole, however, couples try to resolve their conflicts in an inappropriate manner and that only exacerbate marital problems. You can confirm the presence of four types of patterns of conflict:

1) Scheduling: the spouses react negatively to various situations and then form value judgments 2) Cancellation: one partner stands in front of the thoughts, feelings or character of the partner, making comments, intentional or not, which lead to lowered self-esteem. 3) Removal and Prevention: one partner withdraws from a conflict situation in order to avoid arguing 4) negative interpretations: one spouse believes the other's motives are more negative than their own Faced with these conflicts the spouses can choose five ways to address and resolve, namely: 1) inquisitive: they seek to create closer ties and become more intimate with the spouse, letting him talk about issues and express their feelings. 2) Distance: one spouse takes the stance to keep emotionally distant from their partner or the situation of conflict is generally accustomed to dealing with the stress of the relationship. 3) hypofunctioning: spouses who have trouble keeping your life organized and under stress situations, also revealed the difficulty to expose your strong side and tend to compete in intimate relationships. 4) hyperfunctioning: Spouses who are counselors and helpers on the problems of other couples, but usually have to solve their difficulties. 5) reproachful: react emotionally and aggressively in the face of the partner's attitudes and opinions, are those who like to teach the attitude that this fellow should have to stand in the relationship.

Identify the types of conflicts and the way the couple tends to be resolved is extremely important for maintaining healthy relationship that can not be based on a set of interest. The romantic relationship is not a game, is a practice that establishes and maintains the relationship of one to another, causing frustration or joy, sorrow or trust, anger or happiness.The more is projected expectations of others, the greater the chances of an emotional distress and physical distance.

By Cintia Vilani (Psychologist specialized in Cognitive Therapy and Mental Retardation, Ms. and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Catholic University of São Paulo - Brazil)

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