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You know, I’m in the mood to (…I almost wrote make sport of…) point out some human deficiencies (in other people of course), but not in a mean way. The spirit of my satire is intended to be friendly, good-natured, and self-deprecating, but also to communicate lessons learned and food for thought (or should be, otherwise why would I write this?). However, with a meaningful sigh, I must acknowledge that in our “new and improved” society-of-victims; (a humorless, shrill, bitch-and-complain world for sure), that we’re no longer supposed to highlight human and organizational foibles. Someone might (intentionally or not) take something (or everything) out of spirit and context and be offended. You know, come to think of it, I don’t really care that much. My life is not governed by the whining, presumptuous, impudent snobs out there who are self-appointed PC police. Free at last! Free at last! Lordy, lordy, free at last! Whooo-eee! In fact, there seems to be a group of do-gooders out there that want to stamp out anything that’s fun like, for instance, Christmas carols and decorations, crop dusting the aisles of ones favorite big box store, bows-and-arrows, nose-picking while driving, BB guns, atomic melvins, sling shots, Halloween pranks, ice skating on frozen ponds, walking to and from school with buddies, throwing snowballs at anybody and anything—everything is a target don’t you know. So instead of indulging in poking fun or making sport or ragging, I’ll restrict myself to a more civilized method of taunting known as bench jockeying, which is still practiced widely in baseball—except Little League. Mustn’t let the little ones experience all facets of the game. Here’s a flash for you: when they play unsupervised they rag each other just like major leaguers. Once males hit puberty, mouthing-off increases by an order of magnitude. In fact it is my firm belief that mouthing-off is the main purpose for baseball. Come to think of it, we also participated in the endeavor during any and all sports contests. Here are a few bench jockeying examples just to get you into the spirit: “Hey, batter, my sister’s got a better swing than you!” “Hey, short, I hear your mom looked out the window and got arrested for mooning!” Catcher to batter: “Got any naked pictures of your girlfriend?” Pause until pitch is on the way. “Wanna see some?” “Man, look at that pitcher! Talk about butt-ugly! Hey, pizza face you couldn’t break a window with that arm! You throw like a girl!” As likely targets for this blurb, I thought I’d take on those who label themselves as belonging to or supporting political parties, which would be most of us, right? What makes this more fun is that serious ideologues are the most tight-assed, humorless people I know. Let’s read on, shall we? Let’s see we have Democrats, Republicans, so-called Independents, and Libertarians. Maybe just for fun we’ll razz religion as well. Not religion per se, just the hypocrites who use faith for their own diabolical use. As a preamble let’s take a look at the human mind. What do most people crave, and crave more zealously the more miserable and unfortunate (they think) they are? I’ll answer that for you: to acquire money easily (preferably through inheritance from an imagined but unknown uncle, a legal suit, a government agency, or winning the lottery), to have authority (the enormous pleasure of commanding, condescending, and humiliating ones peers), and to take revenge for every imagined wrong suffered. Why, the victim asks, is life so unfair as to bless people that are not me? Why am I not blessed by fortune? Why have I not been favored like others who are not as deserving as me? No one in our “new and improved” society-of-victims (aided and abetted by politicians, especially Democrats) believes their misfortune (or at least their lack of fortune) is attributable to any shortcomings of their own. They must find a culprit; someone to blame. Sound familiar Occupy NY (et.al.) gangs? They would have you believe someone has actually planned for your ruin. You see, people only believe what they already (think they) know, and that is the groundwork for universal distrust and conspiracy. What fun! Okay then, I’m sitting on the bench, and up they come one-by-one… For Democrats: Hey, Dems, you’re the most godless people of the planet! You start off with the idea that good must happen here, not beyond the grave! That’s why you only work for conquest of the country! You feign empathy and concern, but care only about yourselves! You have eyes that spy, unctuous grins, hyena lips over bared teeth, and creases wrinkled by hatred of any ignorant wretch who is not your sycophant! For Republicans: Hey, GOP, you do not recognize flaws in your own party! That is, until running for nomination. Then you start running down each other until you realize you’ve been caught on. Then it’s too late. You stomp about trampling on your own genitals! You do not like your own kind even when there is advantage to be gained from it! No one is as annoyingly arrogant as your radio commentators! For Independents: Hey, Floater, you’re untrustworthy, lying, contemptible, and a slippery bargainer consistent in only changing sides with the wind! For Libertarians: Hey, Ringers, stop carping and complaining about not being understood, and get out there and say something! Anything! You say natural law, and fair tax would bring about freedom for all. Well, prove it! Or at least promote it to the mainstream. Stop hiding (or trying to) in the GOP! You stick out like a zit on prom night! For religious fanatics: Hey, false prophet, your poison is the cocaine of the people! Misguided and co-opted religious zeal has always led to wars and massacre of infidels; and this is true of Christians, Muslims, and idolaters. Mankind is never so completely and enthusiastically evil as when they act out of religious conviction! Well, now I feel better… Copyright 2012 by Gene Myers. Look into my eyes…iiiiiiiiii… you are under my control. You will immediately order AFTER HOURS: ADVENTURES OF AN INTERNATIONAL BUSINESSMAN ($9.99 cheap) and SONGS FROM LATTYS GROVE ($12.95 cheap) from Amazon Kindle for all your friends, associates, and relatives.
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