|
We realize that physical fitness is a vital component to enjoying good health, to maintaining productive energy levels, and to developing a sense of emotional well-being and confidence. More importantly, it is also a key to having a reasonable chance of scoring with members of the opposite sex more than once in the next decade. Let’s face it - fat, lazy and gasping for every breath is not the new SEXY. If any of you find fat, lazy and gasping for every breath SEXY, I recommend therapy or that you wait another ten years and marry Britney Spears This esteemed author is, of course, a model of physical fitness and I must modestly confess that many people have told me that I have a much skinnier and less worm-like body than Jabba the Hut, and more adorable butt dimples than Angelina Jolie. I attribute my fantastic physical conditioning to the regular strenuous opening of Oreo cookie bags (which are notoriously difficult to open by the way), and to my habit of doing a full body squat whenever someone says the word “glockenspiel” around me – but only when that word is used a vowel, not as a noun, such as in “I glockenspieled my milk”. In order to help our readers maintain good physical fitness, I have graciously decide to share with my loyal readers a list of some of my personal favorite exercises. I guarantee that if you faithfully do these exercises on a daily basis, you will get into the best shape of your life. Please remember that when staring an exercise program, you should always consult your doctor and your life insurance agent. As with all exercise programs, you assume the risk, and your failure to perform these exercise exactly as instructed could result in you beginning to speak in an Irish brogue, and in your growing unwanted body hair on your eyeballs. The Full Body Tuba Press The most irritating part of many exercise programs is that you have to buy a bunch of expensive equipment. The first exercise that I am sharing with you requires no costly equipment and can be done with any old tubas that you have lying around the house. If you cannot find a tuba, any other musical instrument weighing more than 50 pounds will do. I would suggest a “glockenspiel” (See, I just did a full body squat and I feel very fit and sexy right now) (Oh, wait! I screwed up. The word “Glockenspiel” was used as a noun in this particular sentence, so now I have to eat a Twinkie to make up for my foolish exercise error. Sorry. My bad.). First, set the tuba on the ground in front of you on a mat or carpet. Next, pull up Beethoven’s Third Sonata in E Major on your MP3 player – please, only the version played by the Philadelphia Symphony Orchestra under the direction of Eugene Ormandy – and hit the “Play” button. Firmly grab the tuba and listen attentively to the lovely opening strains of the Sonata, but do not fall asleep. As the orchestra reaches the lilting adagio section of the second verse, listen for the Oboe to join in with a sweet little melody reminiscent of a bird chirping as it poops on your car. Each time the Oboe plays a “B Flat” note, take the tuba, lift it as high as you can and yell a profanity out of the window. When the Oboist plays a “G Sharp” note, return the tuba to the ground and apologize to your neighbour for the profanity. Repeat this exercise several times throughout the adagio section of the Sonata, but do not attempt this exercise once the orchestra reaches the stirring presto section of the music. You are a beginner at exercising with a tuba and presto sections of Beethoven musical pieces are best left to the fitness experts. The Chase the Laser Flashlight Beam Cardio Workout I first came up with this cardiovascular, fat-burning exercise while tormenting my cat. I have a 25 year old cat that no longer possesses the stealthy evil intelligence and superior-to-all-other-living-things air that it had in its youth. At 25 years of age, the cat is now prone to falling off of things and falling asleep halfway up the stairs. Under the guise of giving kitty much needed exercise, I occasionally torment the cat by having her chase a laser flashlight beam around on the kitchen floor. She thinks that the laser light is either a bug or a can of tuna, or possibly both. This exercise requires an exercise partner who will get the same sadistic joy out of tormenting you that I get out of tormenting the cat. I suggest your wife or girlfriend. Start off this exercise by lying on the cold kitchen floor dressed only in a Speedo bathing suit and a flea collar–this will allow you to feel like a cat and also avoid getting fleas. Next have your beloved tormentor turn off the light and switch on the laser flashlight and shake it. As she shines the laser flashlight onto the kitchen floor you will begin to be fascinated by the bright shimmering light on the floor near you. Look at the beautiful laser light closely, as it beckons you like a mythological Siren to come in for a closer look. The lure of its brilliant light will both attract and repulse you as it shimmers there begging you to grab and possess it as your own. You can’t resist. Suddenly your body will tense and you will dive for the laser light as your exercise partner deftly moves the beam away just out of reach once again. You jump to the next spot reaching desperately for the light, only to have it snatched from your grasp once again. As your partner laughs hysterically, the process repeats itself over and over until you fall to the ground spent and dazed. The light has defeated you and you lie there in hopeless despair of ever attaining the luminous treasure. The good news – you just burned off 800 calories chasing a laser flashlight beam just like a senile 25 year old cat. Have a milkshake to celebrate. The MTV Reality TV Butt Workout Anyone who has ever watched any infomercial on television trying to sell a revolutionary new type of exercise equipment knows that having a firm sexy butt is the ultimate key to being physically fit. You can be on your death bed, dying of terminal cancer and as long as your butt is firm and shapely you are in great physical shape and the envy of all around you. I know that I personally get at least 5 to 8 compliments each day on my adorable butt dimples, and I believe that I recently saw Angelina Jolie looking at me jealously from behind a garbage dumpster. This exercise does involve the use of a television tuned to the music channel MTV. Although I said “music channel MTV”, any of you who watch that channel know that it no longer plays music. MTV channel is now a collection of reality shows featuring sub-human residents of New Jersey and Los Angeles filmed doing a series of silly and useless things that apparently constitute their lives. This exercise makes full use of the colorful and well-educated vocabulary of the channel’s reality stars. To begin this exercise, lie on the floor on your stomach eating a bowl of popcorn. Now, every time someone on the MTV channel says the word “awesome” clench your buttock’s muscles as tight as you possibly can without causing an aneurism. Hold your butt muscles firmly clenched until you hear someone else on the MTV channel drop the F-Bomb (either as a verb, adverb, noun or adjective – all are acceptable). As soon as the F-bomb is dropped, unclench your buttocks and relax until you hear the next “awesome” uttered by a MTV channel star. Repeat the exercise until the show is over or until you have an accident. This exercise will turn your butt into the f******ing awesome group of gluteous maximus muscles that it was meant to be. ************* There you go fitness freaks. The conscientious use of these exercises is sure to give you the body of your dreams, and a new perspective on the discipline and commitment that it takes to remain in top-notch physical shape. Keep up the hard work and your butt dimples will be smiling. If these exercise tips don't work, take a look at this diet solution: Click Here! Do you like this article? Get a free e-book, Six Great Reasons to Use Humor in Your Marketing, written by professional comedy writer and Internet marketing guru, Garry R. Spear. To get your free e-Book, please visit http://www.sonicboomenergy.com
Related Articles -
Exercise, wellness, fitness,
| 
