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As many of the astute and knowledgeable members of my reading audience are aware, the justice system in this country is in a state of complete chaos. We have way too may attorneys in this country, and they justify their unwelcome existence by filing questionable and frivolous lawsuits on behalf of crazy (and greedy) people every single day. These lawsuits add billions of dollars in costs to products and services that we purchase, since manufacturers, health care providers and businesses pass insurance costs and legal fees on to consumers when they are forced to defend these insane grabs for money. It is an unnecessary and tragic waste of our resources, and an embarrassment to our legal system. It is a sad day for America when we allow our justice system to be hijacked for personal gain. Plaintiffs have been awarded millions of dollars in damages for minor incidents such as spilling hot coffee on themselves, eating food with foreign objects in it and slipping on wet floors. It is outrageous and I highly protest these actions. Arrrrgh! (The esteemed author is red and puffed up with anger at this moment. I urge all of you to maintain a distance of 3 feet in each direction for your own safety). But wait! (The esteemed author takes a few minutes in careful contemplation here- please be respectful and patient while he gathers his thoughts). Is it really so bad? I mean, people are entitled to be fairly compensated for their pain and suffering, aren’t they? It seems like an easy way to make a few bucks. Wow, I was wrong. After my informed and scholarly consideration of the positives and negatives of engaging in such terrible behavior, I have decided that I want in on the action. Yep, I am right there and ready to cash in on this American Dream. I don’t particularly care if the rest of you have to pay out more money to compensate for my piggish, selfish behavior. Why should I care about any of you – especially any of you who are rich and have way too much anyhow? Why shouldn’t I be compensated by you for my suffering. Too Bad! So Sad! Here is my plan for future lawsuits against those who have harmed me through their cruel negligence and arrogant business practices. I can only pray now, that God, in His magnificent and all encompassing mercy, will give me the time to file these lawsuits and stick it to the man, before the applicable statute of limitations runs out. Why did I wait so long? Spear vs The Home Depot I distinctly remember the gray and solemn day a few years ago when I innocently went in The Home Depot near my house to buy a rodent trap for a rat I suspected of living inside my electric scalp massager. After making my purchase, I decided to saunter lazily through the lovely flowers in the Garden Shoppe when suddenly tragedy struck. While I was gently sniffing a fully blossoming gardenia plant, an ant maliciously bit me on the nose and then scurried away before I could enact revenge upon its hideous little red and black Formicidae hide (for those of you in my reading audience who flunked biology, ants are a member of the Formicidae family- not to be confused with the Formiciducci Family who are my lovely Italian neighbors, and who to my knowledge have never bitten me on the nose). Shaken and bleeding profusely from my wound, I fell to the ground screaming in agony. It took the pimply-faced Home Depot employee a full ten seconds before he came to offer me first aid and a 20% discount on fertilizer. I remember bravely getting to my feet and filling out an accident report, but I must have been in shock and pushed the horrifying incident into the back of my mind as a defense mechanism. The full grisly details of the attack have just now started to resurface and The Home Depot MUST PAY! It is my duty to sue them so that their gross negligence in allowing hostile and dangerous animals such as ants to use the store as a hunting ground are stopped. I feel very proud knowing that my law suit may help prevent small children from being attacked and possibly eaten while shopping for their Christmas tree next year at The Home Depot. Spear vs Applebees When you go out to dinner, you expect to have a delightful evening of good food, drink and companionship with your family or dinner companions. Little did I know when I went in an Applebees' Restaurant last year, that I would be subjected to a disgusting and harmful display of poor food service that would scar me for life and forever damage my ability to enjoy dining in Applebees or any other restaurant whose name contains both the name of a fruit and an insect. Last week I tried to go into a Peachyellowjackets restaurant and could not step through the door. I was ashamed and embarrassed. Our dinner at Applebees started off well and our appetizers were delicious and served with great skill and panache by our server. However, our initial lovely dining experience turned into a nightmare that I will never forget as our server brought my medium-well-done steak to our table. In a restaurant faux pax so horrendous and negligent that I can barely utter the words, the kitchen had put broccoli on my plate instead of the green beans that I had ordered. In order not to cause a panic in the restaurant, I remained calm. I immediately covered the offensive vegetable with my napkin and asked to speak with the restaurant manager. He came to the table and looked on with shocked dismay as I showed him the green matter under my napkin. Without hesitation he stabbed my server with a salad fork and threw my plate toward an annoying child who had been crying at a table next to us all night. But it was too late. Despite my courage, I fainted and woke up with my face in my poor wife's loaded baked potato. Paramedics took me from the restaurant on a stretcher and revived me in the parking lot by making me smell a pice of broccoli. No amount of money will ever be sufficient to compensate me for my pain in dealing with this incident, but I would probably be willing to settle for a reasonable amount of cash and free desert and coffee at my next visit. Spear vs Mr. Freezy's Ice Zone Skating Rink It is a familiar story. Unsuspecting and happy families on a family outing have their lives torn apart when their carefree fun turns into a fight for survival against the forces of nature. As a doting and happening father I took my youngest daughters to Mr Freey's Ice Zone Skating Rink to celebrate their birthdays. They are twins - and get this - their birthdays are on the same day. When I found that out I was amazed as I'm sure you are as well. Anyway, we went to the skating rink and everything was all fun and games as we put on our skates and got ready to begin ice skating. For some reason the ice skating rink was very cold, which now I believe was a supernatural forewarning of the tragedy that was to befall me. I ignored the uneasy cold feeling and got to my feet and my two daughters carried me to the ice - one under each arm. Its not that I am not an accomplished and graceful skater - I have very weak ankles that need to warm up before I skate. We got to the rink where I held on to the railing as my daughters took off around the rink. Alone now, I surveyed the skaters gliding around the skating rink looking for my chance to jump in and begin a night of family fun. Seeing an opening, I flung myself out on the ice and got the surprise of my life. ICE IS SLIPPERY!.. My skates hit the ice and I found myself flying through the air and landing on my back. As I landed on the ice, a small girl intentionally ran over my hand with a razor sharp skate blade and a 300 pound man who smelled like tacos fell on top of me. The last thing I remember was hearing the skating rink DJ announcing that the Hokey Pokey Dance Contest was postponed until the fire department removed me from the rink. Unbelievably, there were no warning signs posted at Mr Feezy's Ice Zone Skating Rink warning unsuspecting patrons that ice is slippery. I ask you, how many other innocent skaters have been victimized by Mr. Feezy's blatant negligence. I plan to sue Mr. Feezy's Ice Zone Skating Rink for failing to post adequate warnings to skaters and for allowing 300 pound skaters to eat tacos before going on the ice. **************** I plan on filing these lawsuits by next week and I hope that none of you think less of me for asserting my God given constitutional right to file frivolous lawsuits. I suggest that you do the same, and let's make sure that all of the lawyers in America have plenty of work. Think hard and I'm sure that you can come up with something to litigate. It's The American Way. See if I'm kidding and get a free e-book on using comedy in your online marketing campaigns at http://www.sonicboomenergy.com If you need help fighting a traffic ticket on your own check out this link: Click Here!
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