Discovery day (DDay) is the day a spouse uncovers their partner’s infidelity. It is an anniversary no spouse wants in their calendar. While there is no disputing that the early days after discovery are unpleasant, the initial shock does pass. And later on, when emotions have settled, the rebuilding of the relationship begins. Although a DDay is difficult, they can also mark the day a marriage started becoming great. |
On the other hand, marriage recovery needs the commitment of both spouses. The passion and strength of a single spouse will never make good the gaps created by an unwilling spouse. Honesty is now key. Spouses owe it to one another to be transparent, so that everyone is clear if it is worth trying. Dealing with the affair is crucial for recovery. Fully healed couples faced what has happened, and then committed to make changes that will protect the marriage. Affair recovery offers valuable lessons in understanding for both spouses. With understanding, marriages move to new levels.
Focus on the potential in the marriage Sayings like “once a cheater, always a cheater” raises doubts about recovery. Sadly, sayings like this ignore individual situations and can scare nervous spouses into rash decisions. Despite the risks of another affair, the same risks apply to a new relationship. Incidentally, second and third marriages are more likely to fail. The benefit of staying married is that both spouses gain great insight. And when coupled with improved trust, the relationship is more secure and intimate than ever before.
After an affair, the marriage before the affair ends. By holding onto what was, spouses soon find that good memories no longer offer the same level of happiness. The couples who fare best in recovery accept the situation for what it is. They are then able to focus on the present and start seeing the future potential of the relationship.
Reliable words and actions Dealing with an affair discovery is challenging, yet it does not give either spouse permission to behave poorly. While the easiest choice is to blame one another, this does not stop the pain. However, facing the concerns together will. For recovery, a wayward spouse’s actions need to match their words. What is less known is that the same applies to betrayed spouses. Simply put, consistent and reliable actions rebuild trust.
Affair recovery takes time and effort. It is important to remember affair healing has no timeline. But it is important to keep moving forward. Couples that move a little each day, often recover much faster. Carry the lessons, not the baggage Betrayed partners sometimes use the analogy of a car crash to describe discovery. On the other hand, despite acknowledging discovery could be unpleasant, very few wayward spouses actually realise they did the driving. That said, no matter what has been done, everyone has it in them to change.
After a wayward spouse recommits the betrayed partner needs to make a choice. To decide if they can forgive and look towards the future. Despite some leeway, betrayed spouses need to accept that despite it all they do not have lifelong permission to be an ass. Eventually even the most remorseful spouses lose hope if they are continually punished for actions they cannot change.
After an affair, the future of the marriage lies ahead. Those dragging the past with them always take much longer to get there.
Who ever said marriage was going to be easy? The advantage is that after an affair, marriages can get stronger and much better.
Affair recovery needs the full commitment of both spouses. Given the feelings of loss on both sides, this can initially prove difficult. But difficult is by no means impossible.
All things considered, affair recovery relies on communication, understanding, forgiveness, trust and a bucket load of love. Then again, great marriages have that every day.
Learn more about how communication saves marriages
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