Report # 8; An on-going series from Stephen P. Bye; Correspondent for the Mirror Rearview, a fictional newspaper in Laicos County, an imaginary USA municipality. |
(November 25, 2018) After my brief discussion with Jim Nasticks two weeks at the ribbon-cutting ceremony at Sausage Creek Links, I wanted to obtain a much greater perspective on his opinions about the revolutionary changes at the three Laicos County golf courses implemented by “Duff’ Hacker, the County Golf Executive. The following is my entire interview with Mr. Nasticks.
Reporter: “I gather from you comments to me two weeks ago, that I are very upset about what has transpired at the three Laicos County golf courses because of “Duff” Hackers’ ideas."
Nasticks: “Upset? I’m livid! Three wonderful golf courses turned into a damn carnival. Hacker has never even played a round of golf in his life. He’s insulted the great game of golf and its traditions. He’s a former garbage man as head of the Laicos County Waste Management Department and he’s trash as far as I’m concerned.”
Reporter: “What troubles you the most?”
Nasticks: “Where should I start? The bumpers, curbs, nets, and walls to keep golf balls from the hazards and boundaries for one. The self-grading for performance and shortening the yardage on some holes without decreasing par? The elimination of the old food and beverage menu? I couldn’t even have a private lunch…several odd people sat down with me and a buddy at one of those community tables in the restaurant and wanted to discuss liberal politics. We have dogs and cats running around the course with his stupid comfort animal caper. The music is playing everywhere…golf must be played in a quiet setting. I just learned that our Executive Council head, Alice N. Wonderland has requested that Hacker convert part of the practice putting greens into croquet courts. I could go on…”
Reporter: “I thought you would have first mentioned the designated hitter and the hypnotist at Round Trip Fields. I understand that the County is raking is some hefty fees from golfers using their services.”
Nasticks: “Yeah…talk about hallucinating…that’s a real wet dream! They may be collecting some golfer fees, but they pay those people five hundred bucks a day each. They’re losing money on that crazy scheme.”
Reporter: “Since you brought up the money question, how that’s going?”
Nasticks: I’m trying to get the Executive Council to conduct an audit of how much Hacker’s office has spent. I’ve been told that over one million bucks have been shoveled out so far. You saw the overkill for improvements on the tour last week of the Sausage Creek clubhouse. Gold-plated bathroom fixtures? Uniformed restroom attendants? Comfort rooms with custom lounges and couches? Emergency psychologists on call? Valets and tailors? What an unbelievable waste of County funds!”
Reporter: “The number of players has increased dramatically, right?”
Nasticks: “That’s what I understand, but two-thirds of the golfers aren’t paying any greens fees. All those kids and seniors play for free. All fees have been waived at Round Trip Fields for the first month and I heard that Hacker is planning to extend that for several more weeks, since most people are still reluctant to play there, given its former reputation as a challenging course. Overall revenue is way off from past years.”
Reporter: “Will you play any of the County courses?”
Nasticks: “Are you kidding? I’ll never play any of them again. I’ve joined the Laicos Country Club.”
Reporter: “Do you like the environmental policies that Hacker has implemented like using plastic straws?"
Nasticks: “Have you ever tried to drink out of a paper straw…you can suck as hard as you can, and nothing comes out and pretty soon the straw sticks together…it gets stuck on my tongue.”
Reporter: “How about the paper golf tees?”
Nasticks: “They’re a freaking joke! It takes a minute to fold them and most the time, the ball falls off before you can hit it. And who is he kidding about saving trees…there’s enough wood used in that ugly strawberry painted fence and in the men’s locker room to produce thousands of wooden tees, plus the amount of plastic used for all those bumpers and curbs could have produced a million plastic tees.”
Reporter: “I’ve heard that you are starting a grass roots campaign to fire “Duff” Hacker. Do you have support form the County Executive Council?”
Nasticks: “I’ve started a petition with the County residents for terminating his contract, although the Executive Council is clearly supporting him. Ms. Wonderland is experiencing an Alice in Wonderland journey herself. Our Council fantasy meetings are like the “Mad Tea Party” chapter in that book…she talks in riddles.”
Reporter: “I’ve also heard that she’s trying to remove you from the Council.”
Nasticks: “People joke about my name since it sounds like gymnastics, but her efforts are just an exercise in frustration.” He laughs for a few seconds. “Again, that novel defines her to a tee…not a paper tee of course.” He laughs again. “She must be smoking weed or those hallucinogenic mushrooms. I heard that she named her dog, Caterpillar and her cat, Hookah. I even heard that Hacker used her as a consultant for the songs and music groups they use at Round Trip Fields.”
Reporter: “You understand that recreational cannabis is now legal in this state.”
Nasticks: “I don’t know about cannabis, but those liberal politicians bought that election last year to legalize marijuana. This state is really going to pot. Speaking of pot, I really need to use the men’s room, so I gotta go now.”
Reporter: “Thanks for your time today, Mr. Nasticks.
Looking Forward Through The Rear View Mirror
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