Special Report # 9; An on-going series from Stephen P. Bye; Correspondent for the Mirror Rearview, a fictional newspaper in Laicos County, an imaginary USA municipality. Please refer to the previous 8 reports. |
(December 10, 2018) The Laicos County Golf Course Executive, ‘Duff’ Hacker, held a press conference today announcing new rules to be implemented for the three County golf courses, effective immediately. Hacker confirmed that at least twenty golfers have been hit in the head by golf balls over the past two months and three lawsuits have been filed by the players against the County. As a precaution, all golfers will now be required to wear protective googles and hard hats to prevent more head injuries from occurring. In a stunning announcement, Hacker also stated that golfers who hook their shots could no longer play at any Laicos County course. Hacker began the press conference offering the following statement “Our courses have been flooded with new golfers and unfortunately, many have no idea where they’re hitting the ball. We’ve placed many directional arrows on the tees and fairways pointing golfers the direction to play the correct hole and provided maps and compasses to help them navigate the course, although most folks have ever been trained in map reading. We’re now in the process of installing GPS markers along the fairways, so players will soon be able to use their I-phones to navigate the course.
All courses now have a supply of protective glasses and hard hats which can be rented for three dollars each per round. If anyone has their own safety equipment, the County has hired a new inspector general to evaluate the quality of the gear to conform to the standards listed in a 10-page manual adopted by the County Commissioners yesterday, after a six-week study. For a ten-dollar fee, the apparatuses can be brought to the County offices between 9 and 10 AM and between 3 PM and 4 PM to be certified. However, equipment will need to be recertified annually as stickers will be issued showing the year of inspection, like car license plates updates.”
After researching public records, I discovered three lawsuits were recently filed against Laicos County by Sue Yorbutt, a well know personal injury attorney, whose office is in Frivolus. The three plaintiffs identified are Sterne Stargeezer, Jose Golfista, and Homer Plato.
I contacted Stargeezer, who is a retired astronomy professor from Laicos Community College. When asked to describe the incident, Stargeezer stated “Without any warning, an unidentified flying object hit my eye socket and I immediately saw stars. I knew something was wrong, when I realized that I was not using a telescope.”
Mr. Golfista told me about his experience through an interpreter. “I speak no English. When I played golf in Mexico, the words para or cuatro are shouted for an errant golf ball. I do not know four, for, or fore. My head hurt. I don’t remember who I am.”
I also contacted Homer Plato, who own’s the Homer’s Home Plate Sports Bar. He detailed the time he was struck by a golf ball at Hammer Valley Club. “I was playing in the Greek Geek Golf Open when I heard a faint scream, which sounded like the number 4. Since I was only playing in a threesome, I didn’t think twice about it. The next thing I remember was waking up in an ambulance feeling like I’d been struck by a hammer or a club.”
I’ve also learned that County Executive, Alice N. Wonderland, was hit by a golf ball at Sausage Creek Links when she was touring the course with the head golf professional, Frank Furter. The incident occurred as she crossed The Folly Bridge over Sausage Creek. The ball apparently hit Wonderland in her buttocks, causing her to lose her balance, then falling into a rabbit hole beneath the bridge. Although she was not injured seriously, Wonderland subsequently met with “Duff” Hacker to recommend requiring golfers to wear full body armor.
For the past few weeks, Hacker has pleaded for golfers to yell the universal golf warning, FORE, when hitting errant shots, even posting reminder signs on the first tee. In the press conference, Hacker also acknowledged that he was calling the Public-School Superintendent to require that math teachers emphasize the number 4 in their arithmetic classes and for students to shout it out loud for testing. Due to the number of Hispanic students, the words “para” and “quatro” are now also emphasized.
Olaf Knudson, the President of the Norwegian Ancestry Club, sent a recommendation to me for the correct word to use to warn golfers of an errant golf shot. They use the warning “fire”, the Norwegian word for “four”. Yelling “fire” certainly will make people run for safety. I forwarded this suggestion to Mr. Hacker as another option.
Regarding the decision to ban golfers who hook their shots, Hacker concluded that more head injuries occurred from players who hook their shots, based upon his investigation of past incidents. Hacker explained that he had spent several hours watching players on the three County courses and concluded that right-handed golfers are more prone to hook their shots to the left, while left-handed golfers to the right. All golfers must now take a test proving that they do not hook their shots, by hitting ten balls with a 90% passing grade.
Hacker also considered restricting slicers, although I’ve learned that local Meat Cutter’s Union 69 apparently lobbied heavily to oppose the decision. At the end of the press conference, Hacker defended slicers with the following statement; “I’ve been told that slicers are known to hit banana balls, but since most people like bananas, I’ve agreed to allow those golfers to play.”
I went to Sausage Creek Links yesterday, noticing several scantily clad women in high heels, picketing outside the entrance. The signs read “ALL STRIPPERS ARE NOT HOOKERS”, “STRIPPERS ARE GOLFERS TOO”, and “HACKER DOES TRICKS.”
There were also a few men carrying signs at Round Trip Fields, which read “I’M A HOOKER WHO WAS HOOKED”; “HACKER IS HOOKED ON POWER”; and “WONDERLAND IS A HOOKER … SHE USES A HOOKAH”. As I approached the Round-Trip Fields’ clubhouse, I observed several large pictures of Captain Hook from the Disney film, Peter Pan. A thick black X, was painted over Hook’s images, apparently also reminding golfers that no hookers are permitted to play.
We will report back in the coming weeks on the success of the program.
"Looking Forward Through The Rear View Mirror"
Related Articles -
Hunor, Satire, Golf, ,