Special Report # 10; An on-going series from Stephen P. Bye; Correspondent for the Mirror Rearview, a fictional newspaper in Laicos County, an imaginary USA municipality. Please refer to the previous nine reports on the five-month history of the transformation that has occurred at the Laicos County public golf courses. |
(December 23, 2018): The Laicos County Commissioners held an emergency meeting last night to discuss several measures to stem the rapidly declining revenues at the three County golf courses. Operating losses have also mounted recently, especially since the implementation of the safety measures recently adopted for all golfers to wear hard hats and protective goggles. Further, the restriction on hookers to play the courses has also put a major dent in the number of qualified players. After dodging calls from the press for several weeks, Duff Hacker reluctantly admitted that there are too many free rounds being played, as seniors and junior golfers have dominated the tee times with complimentary golf for several months, as well as actual paying players using the “frequent golfer” discount card. In addition, the operational costs have skyrocketed with the addition of the new restroom attendants, the restaurant wait staff, and golf course support personnel. I checked several social media sites that list Hammer Valley Club, Sausage Creek Links, and Round-Trip Fields. There are hundreds of complaints but thousands of positive comments from Laicos County residents. I’ve learned that most traditional golfers are travelling thirty miles to Latipac County where there are four old-style public courses that are open to non-residents for a ten-dollar surcharge. The Latipac County courses are all managed by Golf Really Incredible Management, or GRIM, who was terminated by Laicos County months ago due to some minor contract violations. With the pick-up in Laicos County golfers, GRIM estimates that each Latipac County course has averaged 1,800 rounds per week over the past month and that all tee times are booked five days in advance. Some other local golfers have elected to join the exclusive Laicos Country Club.
Last week, several golf associations have dropped all affiliations with the Laicos County courses. However, Hacker has requested that the Laicos County Attorney file a restraining order in the District Court, citing the “stodgy” rules established by those organizations are obsolete. Further, Hacker feels that the loss of the accreditations is discriminative for golfers who enjoy playing golf courses with unique features, like those which have been incorporated under his plans. In another confrontational move, Duff Hacker will immediately convert the diameter of all holes on the greens to ten inches, an idea that he suggested months ago.
Hacker has met with Sod Greenman, the head golf course superintendent about possible ways to save money from golf course maintenance, although the grounds crew is guaranteed employment as a result of the Golf Course Workers Union contract that the County Executive Council ratified in August. Greenman suggested that the fairways and roughs could grow naturally as pastureland. Herds of cows could then keep the grass short and the farmers would generate revenue for the County by leasing the land. Alternatively, Hacker suggested that fairways and greens could be replaced with artificial turf.
Hacker is considering terminating the golf course greeters, as well as the designated golfers and the hypnotist, Clare Voyant, at Round Trip Fields. Further, he will likely eliminate the cost for the on-duty psychologists at Laiscos County Hospital, replacing them with pre-recorded messages when golfers call for mental help.
Alice N. Wonderland, the Laicos County Executive, suggested that the dress code could be relaxed to allow clothing optional for golfers. She has also apparently spoken to Greenman about the possibility of growing cannabis plants in the rough areas of Round-Trip Fields, now that the sale of recreational marijuana has been voted in. In addition, she encouraged that smoking be permitted on all courses, including the use of marijuana.
I drove past Hammer Valley Club yesterday as several picketers tried to block the entrance. I saw several new signs stating, “Cows are Bulls…!”, “Hacker’s an Ass…Are Donkeys Next?”, “Our Golf Courses are Going to POT” and “Hacker Must Go”.
I stopped and spoke to three dancers from Dizzy Izzy’s Strip Club. They were encouraged that nude golf is being considered, although were still upset about their playing restrictions, since they had been labeled as hookers without being able to take the hooker test.
The Laicos County Commissioners will hold two public hearings before the end of the year to hear input from local citizens. I will cover the meetings and provide summaries in my next report.
"Looking Forward Through The Rear View Mirror"
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