Special Report # 12; An on-going series from Stephen P. Bye; Correspondent for the Mirror Rearview, a fictional newspaper in Laicos County, an imaginary USA municipality. Please refer to the previous eleven reports on the six-month history of the transformation that has occurred at the three Laicos County public golf courses. |
(January 31, 2019) Yesterday afternoon, Alice N. Wonderland held a press conference to announce the steps the Laicos County Commissioners approved for dealing with the on-going losses at the three County golf operations, as well as recapturing the twenty million dollars of capital improvement costs. Les “Duff” Hacker, the County Golf Executive, did not make an appearance at Wonderland’s press conference, as it is widely known that he has been in seclusion over the past few weeks.
After three days of closed-door meetings, the commissioners voted 7-2, along political party lines for the fllowing adopted measures, which will be implemented immediately:
1. Country Club Lane, the only street providing access to the Laicos Country Club, will be condemned by the County and converted to a toll road. The asphalt street will be transitioned to gravel and all vehicles entering Country Club Lane at Levy Street will be subject to a $5 toll fee. No toll will be charged for outbound traffic.
2. The Laicos Country Club property will be re-accessed by the County Assessor’s office based upon its highest and best use as luxury residential land and the appropriate mill rate applied to the valuation. (Note: this reporter discovered that the Laicos Country Club property has been exempt from property taxes for the past forty-nine years because the Club declared its status as a non-profit charitable institution in 1970)
3. Each golf round played at the Laicos Country Club will be charged a tariff of $5, without exception.
4. The Round-Trip Fields course and facilities will be sold to an undisclosed private group, although the price has yet to be set. The buyer will be given a license to plant cannabis in the excess land surrounding the golf course and sold in the clubhouse. In addition, nude golfing will not only be permitted, but encouraged. All golfers will be charged a ten-dollar fee and spectators, a twenty-dollar “viewing” fee. The owners will share 75% of the fees collected from golf and cannabis sales with Laicos County. The non-smoking ban will be lifted for Round-Trip Fields only.
5. A local income tax of 5% will be implemented for all Laicos County households reporting over $500,000 in annual income based upon their Internal Revenue Service filing.
6. To encourage more traditional play, golfers will no longer be required to wear hardhats and protective goggles on all three courses, although each player must sign a waiver renouncing liability claims to Laicos County for any injuries sustained on the courses. In addition, the ban against hookers will be lifted.
7. To eliminate operating costs, all bathroom attendants will be dismissed and employment contracts with the hypnotists, yoga instructors, and designated golfers will be cancelled. In addition, golfer phone sessions from the comfort rooms with County engaged psychologists will be limited to ten minutes for each call. Cheaper two-ply toilet paper will replace the expensive lotion and wax coated four-ply toilet tissues that “Duff” Hacker introduced in the bathrooms.
Alice N. Wonderland took several questions from the media after her announcement. She reiterated her support for Les “Duff” Hacker, even though some of his initiatives were scuttled. When questioned about the punitive measures levied at the Laicos Country Club, she defended the Commission’s actions, pointing out that, “private country club members are wealthy and can easily afford it.” Further, she admonished the Club for cheating the County out of nearly five million dollars of tax revenue over nearly five decades after declaring itself a charitable non-profit entity. Ms. Wonderland said that the Club claimed its exempt status because they held an annual lunch for the homeless population in Laicos County, although only a handful of "street" people ever attended.
After several questions were raised regarding the new 5% County income tax, Ms. Wonderland slammed her fist on the podium, rationalizing it with her brief comment, “those rich folks need to pay their fair share.” Regarding the tariff on the Laicos Country Club golf rounds, she defended the decision by simply saying…”it was our duty.” Wonderland pointed out that the additional revenues to be collected from the various actions will result in a huge windfall for the County, easily covering the losses and costs incurred over the past six months for the three golf courses.
Conservative commissioner Jim Nasticks vaulted into the limelight by exercising his free speech when he held an open press conference later in the afternoon. When questioned about the sale of Round-Trip Fields, Nasticks indicated that the sale of the course was necessary in order to avoid State laws regarding nudity on public property. Nasticks was keenly interested on learning the identity of the Round-Trip Fields purchaser as well as the secretive price negotiations of the Commissioner subcommittee, which he is not a member of. He also pointed out that he abstained on the decisions impacting the Laicos Country Club, as he was conflicted as a member of the Club.
Nasticks vehemently expressed his frustrations about the Commission’s decisions, particularly with the decision to allow nudity at the Round-Trip Fields course. To make his point, he proceeded to strip down to his underwear revealing his big belly and spindly legs. The crowd stirred when they observed a red MAGA tattoo imprinted on his chest. Nastick’s quickly added, “With this body, who would possibly want to see me play golf naked?” No one raised their hand and the crowd immediately dispersed.
I called Ms. Wonderland this morning, probing the identity of the group purchasing Round-Trip Fields as well as the purchase price. She repeatedly beat around the bush and finally hung abruptly up after cursing several times.
I plan to interview County residents over the next two weeks in order to gather a spectrum of reactions to all the developments occurring within Laicos County for the past six months and will provide a sample in my next report in two weeks.
"Looking Forward Through the Raar View Mirror"
Related Articles -
Golf; Satire, Humor, Politics, Taxes,