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Without a doubt, there is a connection between our early childhood upbringing and the way we interact as adults with others, including the ones we date and engage in relationships with. This is why we often end up living a life that is a carbon copy of our parents’ lives, even when this was the last thing we ever wanted to do. We are often ignorant of why we say or act in the way we do. Sometimes we may even be too scared to investigate this aspect of ourselves, instead repeating the unsavoury experiences of childhood in order to cope with deep hurt or longing. Sometimes, people use their emotional pain from childhood to control others in adulthood. Then, they excuse any destructive or inappropriate behaviour they perpetrate and remain unaccountable for their actions. Some find themselves with a fixed “victim mentality” feeling constant self pity and low self esteem. Interestingly, the one area in life that can expose one fully to their negative childhood programming is dating and relationships. It is possible to go through life for a long time without realising who we truly are until we end up in a serious relationship with someone we love. The partner you choose and everything that happens in that dynamic is a reflection of who you are, and who you are is a reflection of your programming (done in childhood). Your relationships are a reflection of you whether you accept it or not. For this reason, people who spend their time criticising their ex partner forget that they had a part to play in that relationship. Yes, yes, they cheated and lied, but if you stayed with him for 5 years, are you not accountable for what happened too? You chose them and remain with them for the duration of the relationship. It is this aspect of relationships that is so painful to digest. The idea that we feel that we were a victim of a brute and yet, we have to take some of the blame for what happened. Despite these negative experiences, many of us continue to lament that men are no good/women are no good, when it is us who choose these people to love. Therefore, should we not be looking closer to home for the solution to our problem? Looking closer to home means looking within, examining our motivations and actions. Examining the relationship between who we are and the relationship with our parents. A daughters’ negative dynamic with her father will provide a template for future relationships with men unless there is therapeutic intervention. This relationship may be the foundation of how all men are viewed. Similarly, a man’s relationship with his mother will be a template for how he sees women. It is no coincidence that many women complain that men seem to be looking for their own mothers to marry. If we find that our programming is getting in the way of our happiness, what can we do? Firstly, we can be proactive and seek out information that deals with our particular issue. Reading books and researching the internet can be a useful resource. Additionally, we might employ the services of a coach to help us reach our goals and help overcome issues in our relationship. In cases of real difficulty, we might even seek counselling. The important thing is, to become more self-aware. Understanding how negative programming has affected you is the first step to getting on the road to a more fulfilled life and improving your relationships. Author Tony Cross is a relationship coach and life strategist. His website www.datingandrelationshipissues.com provides fresh insight into a well-known topic.
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early childhood upbringing. lovelife, relationships,
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