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“Sir, we’re getting an unusual reading here”. I looked around the bridge at my crew. These guys had been through some crazy stuff with me and now we had this, something that defied explanation entirely. We had been given a new sector to chart and everything had been going smoothly; the place was essentially lifeless apart from one planet featuring a number of small brackish pools containing protozoa, and these we had marked accordingly. It was against this peaceful backdrop that the call from cargo deck nine came in telling of a strange phenomenon. Stretching for thirty feet along the starboard wall was a wallpaper mural of the Paris skyline. A thorough search was made of the entire vessel, we looked for lifeforms in paint splattered overalls or maybe some invisible energy field containing paste, brushes and a craft knife, but there was nothing. The wallpaper mural was removed and examined but it held no clues and even at a microscopic level it was just high quality digitally printed paper. Then in quick succession we found a small mural of a tropical island in the sick bay, a huge summer meadow on all four walls of the galley store and unbelievably a mural of stylised orchids covering the entire outside of the ship. We might never have known about that one if we hadn’t had to empty the heads. Not very pleasant for crew on decks ‘F’ through ‘L’ At this point things started to unravel quickly, just us the wallpaper unravelled and stuck to the walls, the ceiling, every available surface. Crew members started to disappear; some were found behind lifelike representations in wallpaper form suffocated and in agonised postures and some just vanished. The ships functions began to shut down as wallpaper clogged ducts and circuits and many crew deserted in terror on board the lifeboat, little knowing that the mural of labrador puppies had rendered it’s steering inoperable. They would all be doomed to a slow death as the air failed and the lights eventually went out on the cute little retrievers. And so, here we were, trapped on the bridge with wallpaper murals covering every inch of our home, this brave vessel that had journeyed so far brought to its knees by a simple yet effective interior design solution. Would they finish us? Would they let us strip the paper, bury our dead and re-decorate using simple emulsion? The lights flickered and the unmistakable sound of riffling paper filled the air. My heart started to pound and we all spun around looking everywhere for the next mural, maybe the last mural, the one that would finally shut us down! At last the final horror was upon us and the intercom speakers crackled into life . “When Father papered the parlour You couldn't see Pa for paste Dabbing it here! dabbing it there! Paste and paper everywhere Mother was stuck to the ceiling The children stuck to the floor I never knew a blooming family So stuck up before.” www.zazous.co.uk Zazous are online retailers of wall stickers, wallpaper, lighting, contemporary vinyl flooring, tableware, textiles and accessories for the modern home. Fashion-forward, highly individual designs that create striking interiors.
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