As a a famous writer of "intelligent" comedy, I am known to have some of the smartest readers of any online magazine. Recent surveys conducted by the prestigious Institute for Calculating the Education Level of Online Magazine Readers indicates that most of my readers have all “grad-ge-ated the sixth grade” and can do ciphering and letters if given time to prepare and also offered cash or food rewards for doing the work. Because of this high level of intelligence, I occasionally attempt to educate my readers with cutting edge scientific articles of scholarly importance, rather than the trite and silly articles which usually spring from my highly suspect brain tissue. Any of you who do not wish to be educated in your spare leisure time, are permitted and encouraged to grab a six pack, put on the Honey Boo Boo television show, and enjoy your evening. |
Now that 99.99% of my readers have deserted us to go drink beer and view an overweight, redneck, child beauty contestant whose family may, or may not, be humanoid, we may proceed. I’ve decided to write today about the field of psychology, which is a really hilarious type of science – trust me. According to the renowned experts at Wikipedia, psychology is an academic and applied discipline that involves the scientific study of mental functions and behaviors. Psychologists attempt to understand the role of mental functions in individual and social behavior, while also exploring the physiological and neurobiological processes that underlie certain cognitive functions and behaviors. There, isn’t that compelling and hilarious comedy material. I told you so.
(Now that the last .01% of my readers has disappeared to join the Honey Boo Boo viewing team, I will continue on for my own pleasure and amusement. I get paid either way and I am easily self-amused at my own cleverness and deft writing skills.)
The best part of psychology is that psychologists conduct experiments all of the time studying crazy people and testing the most bizarre of human and animal behaviors. I mean psychologists get government grants all of the time to study whether beavers get depressed when otters move into their “dam” neighborhood. There is a whole cottage industry out there folks of psychologists getting paid to study things that I find to be extremely interesting. Please allow me to introduce you to some things that make Honey Boo Boo seem suddenly normal in every way.
The Dead Penguin Interruption Theory on Cognitive Task Completion
Dr. Swen Nordstrum, of the Norwegian Institute of Psychological Testing and Reindeer Castration conducted an impressive study in 2008, which measured the effects of “interruption” techniques on the ability of test subjects to complete simple cognitive tasks. In this award winning project, Dr. Nordstrum would have test subjects perform simple tasks of concentration such as identifying colors and words on testing materials. As they attempted to answer test questions, Dr. Nordstrum’s lab assistants would periodically slap the subjects in the face with a large, cold, dead penguin.
Test subjects were scored on the time it took them to accurately answer questions with and without the “interference” factor of being slapped in the face with a dead penguin. Not surprisingly, most subjects answered test questions faster when not being pummeled with a cold, stiff penguin. However, a few subjects actually performed better when slapped in the face with a dead penguin, and proudly confirmed that they found the experience to be pleasant and validating of their quest for knowledge. Subsequent efforts to duplicate this experiment using dead aardvarks and dead parrots confirmed the results.
Canine Embarrassment with Walk-Related Human Behavioral Issues
Members of the animal kingdom are also regularly studied by psychologists, and dogs are always favorite subjects due to their friendly and compliant personalities. One famous experiment, conducted by acclaimed psychologists working for Alpo, studied whether dogs were embarrassed by the behavior of their human masters, and if so, what human behaviors triggered that embarrassment.
This experiment measured typical dog embarrassment behaviors such as a bowed head and tail between the legs when the dogs were subjected to various potentially humiliating behaviors by their human masters while giving the dogs a walk. The first part of the experiment had the humans walking the dogs engage in silly walks of various types. The dogs were forced to walk alongside their masters while the humans goose-stepped, skipped along like giddy school girls, and generally spazzed out while walking along the road. The study conclusively proved that the subject dogs were uniformly embarrassed by this behavior as evidenced by a marked increase in their embarrassed body language trends and a tendency to pee on their human master’s feet to get them to stop their asinine walks. All of the dogs were especially agitated when their walkers engaged in this silly behavior in front of other dogs.
The second part of the experiment had out-of-shape male human walkers dress in Speedo bathing suits and their female counterpart walkers dress in tight work-out clothes while walking the dogs. Over 85% of the dogs being walked were completely grossed out by this experiment and rolled over and played dead rather than allow walks to continue under these circumstances. The other 15% percent of tested canines actually committed suicide by running in front of oncoming trucks rather than suffer the humiliation. Although reported to authorities, the 15% death rate in the experiment was considered acceptable by the American Humane Society since the dogs decided on their own to fatally conclude the experiment.
Shock Therapy - An Effective Treatment for “Everything is Better In New York Syndrome”.
There can be no dispute that New York City is the greatest city in the world. Its breathtaking skyline, rich culture and amazing food all make the city one-of-a-kind. However, along with this greatness comes an unfortunate disease known as “Everything is Better in New York Syndrome” that affects many New Yorkers when they move away from The Big Apple. This insidious disease forces ex-New Yorkers to constantly compare everything that exists in their new home location to New York, and to inform their new friends on a continuing basis that “Everything is Better In New York”.
This 2010 experiment by the Sadistic Psychologist Convention of Miami, used electro-shock therapy to treat patients who were suffering from “Everything is Better in New York Syndrome”. Transplanted volunteer subjects from New York were equipped with special monitors and shock therapy electrodes that administered 1500 volts of electrical current to the bragging New Yorkers every time they mentioned that something was better in New York. The goal of the study was to have all of the subjects eventually realize that their constant oral loyalty to New York was irritating and offensive to everyone else who inhabits Planet Earth.
Although some especially stubborn subjects needed to be shocked over 100 times each day to break them of this verbal habit, all patients showed remarkable improvement while being treated with shock therapy. The lone exception was Mrs. Sophie Silverstein of Queens, New York, who refused to be broken. Researchers eventually decided to add additional voltage to the electrodes and electrocute Mrs. Silverstein rather than screw up the data from their experiment. A donation was made to the “I Love the Big Apple Foundation”, in lieu of flowers.
******** As you can see from the examples cited above, psychology plays an important part in our lives. Our brains are complex organs (brains possessed by any Honey Boo Boo family member are hereby excluded from the previous statement). The brain is capable of producing the most bizarre and crazy behavior in human beings and animals. It is clear that psychologists play an important role in helping us identify these people, so we can avoid and shun them.
Anyway, I hope that you enjoyed this quick study of the field of psychology. I need to end it here, so I have time to get ready for my appointment with my own psychologist later this afternoon. Today, we are analyzing my overwhelming obsession to wash my hands frequently with green Jello and spaghetti sauce. I’m sure that it has something to do with me being dropped on my head as a baby when my mother was startled by my father wearing a bra and panties to the dinner table. See, unlike many of you I come from a healthy and normal family. I am fine – Really! (Ha, Ha, Ha, ha, ha, wheez – the esteemed author laughs somewhat psychotically here, and ends his laugh with a pathetic wheez).
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