Special Report # 4: Stephen P. Bye; Correspondent for the Mirror Rearview, a fictional newspaper in Laicos County, USA. |
(September 28, 2018) This reporter played Sausage Creek Links yesterday. I wanted to compare it with Hammer Valley Club that I tried to play two weeks ago when I gave up after one hole. To avoid being matched with beginners again, I scanned the online tee sheet, and observed open tee times on the back nine holes before nine o’clock, so I elected to just show up at seven-thirty.
I remitted the ten-dollar green fee to the new golf professional; whose was appropriately named Frank Furter. Directly heading toward the tenth tee, I skirted the driving range and practice green, hearing the old Perry Como song, “Hot Diggity (Dog Ziggity Boom).” I followed a path bordered by brown wooden markers designed as slightly curved sausage links, each with a smiley face stenciled at the top.
After I turned a corner on the path, I saw the former half-way house, now renamed the “Sugar Shack”. The Fireballs’ old song was just concluding, when the Archie’s “Sugar, Sugar” began to play. I ordered a copy of coffee with sugar, although the attendant couldn’t find a packet or a container, so I reluctantly had to drink it black. As I turned to walk away, I suggested that they play the tune “No Sugar Tonight” by The Guess Who.
Near the tenth tee, I grabbed a scorecard from the box, observing that each of the holes now had been named based on types of sausages…Polish, Italian, Blood, Bratwurst, Knackwurst, Kielbasa, Liver, Summer, and Portuguese. I also noted that there was an additional column for par score for every hole, each of which was blank. I observed an asterisk with a footnote stating that each golfer could establish a personal par score, based upon self-grading.
The tees were marked with what looked like round sausage patties with smiley faces painted on them. The eyebrows were created as two arrows, pointing golfers to the direction of the hole, knowing that with hundreds of new golfers now playing, most wouldn’t know what direction to hit. The benches, which formerly had the names of local business painted on them, were now covered in multi-color floral patterns, drawn by local artists. I also noted that the cups were still regulation size and that all the green and pink checked pin flags had the words “Be Happy” sewn on them, as well as a smiley face.
Fortunately, no golfers joined, and I played in only seventy-five minutes, shooting a 43, or 7 over the established par of 36 for nine holes. I also decided to self-grade and established an adjusted par of 54, so my 43 converted to 11 under par…my best by far!
As I passed the “Sugar Shack” toward the clubhouse, I heard “A Spoonful of Sugar” playing over the speakers. Like the previous visit to the Hammer Valley Club, I noted several construction trucks surrounded the clubhouse. The foreman told me that work was progressing on the comfort rooms and restroom upgrades. I will return to Sausage Creek Links in a few weeks to evaluate all the final improvements in the next few weeks.
Stephen P. Bye Looking Forward Through the Rear View Mirror
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