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Emotions of Divorce This week was an interesting one as I ventured around conversing with people. Within a matter of 3 days, 3 people had told me they were headed for the divorce courts. All of these are about to get dirty. Couples arguing over money, children, possessions and even pets, blocking court systems and costing countless amounts of money, all in the name of rejection. Please allow me to clarify myself. I am neither for nor against divorce. I don't encourage people to divorce, nor do I discourage divorce. I believe divorce just is what it is. At least one of the persons within the marriage is no longer happy. If a couple stay together by mutual agreement, fantastic! I congratulate those couples who are honest enough to say they are living with their best friend, they enjoy each others company or it saves loneliness from knocking at the door. My parents have been married 56 years and I congratulate their devotion and passion toward each other. Even couples who are happy to stay in a relationship because they don't to lose what they have spent their lifetime building, it is not my place to judge. But for us others, I question where one of the parties insists the other should stay, knowing that person is not happy in the relationship for whatever reason and doesn't want to be there. Original marriage vows state- I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. “To love and to cherish". So if the loving and cherishing end, where does that leave the married couple? I'm not trying to be cynical but should marriage vows also include “if we fall out of love because we have grown apart”, or “I have changed direction in my life's journey but you haven't”, or “I need to fulfil my dreams because I am not living life to my fullest potential”..... then we can divorce amicably?” I don't mean let's be besties with an ex, because I am certainly not 'best friends' with my ex husband. I simply mean one should be allowed to choose the direction of their life without having to go through such emotional experiences that take a surmountable amount of energy and control to overcome. Divorce can be soul destroying, and divorce can be exhilarating. For me it was a journey that started 15 years ago. It took 9 very long emotional years of overcoming life's many scenario's. I say 9 because after that I was finally on the right path. Some of the emotions I dealt with were: Guilt- because I had put my 4 children through a divorce, changing their lives to never again having a 'Christmas or family' moment as they knew it. Loneliness- like I had never experienced before. Low self esteem- Wondering why everyone else had fallen into a new relationship and yet no-one wanted me. Personalities- This is my most amusing. I would see someone and think “I would love to have a personality like theirs”. So in true form I would set about changing myself to be more like them. I've experienced such personalities as - The night club girl - partying because I was deprived by marrying so young. The Sombre girl – crying on the floor in a foetal position wallowing in self pity. The learn to dive girl - not successful as emanated with me embarrassing myself by becoming the 'Mr Bean' of diving skills. The go to University girl- kept crying because the course was Community Welfare and I couldn't sort my own life out let alone other's in distress. The Chaser – not one of my most engaging personalities as this character would seek out a partner. Any male making eye contact must be my 'new love' which in turn created another series of rejections because it didn't happen that way, reverting me back to why me girl...... The list is endless. I would eventually concede defeat and move onto the next personality. If anything I provided entertainment for myself! But never once did I question why I had left. I knew I was not living and I knew if I didn't seek out why I had left in the first place, then I would fail myself. One of the hardest things in this life I have ever had to do was sit my children down the night before I left and tell them I was no longer staying in a marriage to their father. It still breaks my heart. I was 16 and 11 months when we married and I took my vows very seriously. At the time I had been married for 19 years. I was 38 and had tried what I believe to be everything to make my marriage work, but it was not to be. I love my children to the moon and back. I will be there whenever they need me and we communicate regularly, but I chose not to abandon 'me' for them. Selfish? Many would say but I don't believe so. In fact I believe they way I sought to discover myself helped them too believe they could seek out a life they wanted to live, without fear, without opinions of others discouraging or interfering in their decisions. For me, I wanted to be discovering life as others knew it. Travelling, testing myself, learning, evolving (my most favorite word in the world) becoming a confident person with my own unique personality. Discovering my intuitions by following them through not only difficult times but rewarding times a well. Determined to recognise who I truly am. That sounds like a cliché but I can assure you it's not. I love the person I am. I love what I have achieved and I congratulate myself for going after it as many haven't. I have a beautiful friend. She is one of the most generous Mother's I know. She lives for her family, doting on her husband, children and grandchildren. This year after visiting a retreat for 10 days she said to me “I have never been alone with my thoughts. I wasn't comfortable with them”. I was blown away. I was so sure she was in control the whole time and indeed she was, but not with herself. She was in control of her family and how she wanted it. Now I'm delighted to say she has embraced herself and allows herself “me time”. It wasn't her family that were stopping her, it was the expectation of herself. Her husband and children love her for who she is and what she brings to them but they also want her to be happy with her life. So for those in a position questioning who they are, questioning whether you can truly follow your hearts desires and the intuition within telling you to go for it, I encourage you to seek out what ever makes your life truly remarkable. You will Survive. You will Thrive. Suzanne Beck life travel returning to the workforce encouraging men's personal style formal wear online
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