Report # 13; An on-going series from Stephen P. Bye; Correspondent for the Mirror Rearview, a fictional newspaper in Laicos County, an imaginary USA municipality. Please refer to the previous twelve reports on the six-month history of the transformation that has occurred at the three Laicos County public golf courses. |
(February 14) After several days roaming the streets of Laicos County I gathered candid comments about the recent decisions by the Laicos County Commissioners on the golf course operations and the new adopted tax measures. The following are direct quotes from answers to a few of my questions.
Question: How do you feel about the adopted measures impacting the Laicos Country Club?
Donny T. Rump: “I’m the President of the Laicos Country Club and the fake press has lied about our benevolent membership. We’re filing a law suit against the County for illegally condemning our street access and creating a toll to drive into our club, as well as taxing our golf rounds with that silly tariff. I will build a big wall around our Club to keep our enemies out and have the County pay for it.”
Clint Hillray: “I hacked into some classified e-mails on Donny T. Rumps’s private server. I discovered years of evidence that the corrupt Laicos Country Club deceived the County lied about their tax-exempt status as a charity. What happened? I’d like to give them a BILL for millions of the back-taxes because of his deception and infidelity.”
Paul Fortaman: “Our Country Club is being unjustly punished. They’re treating our President, Donny T. Rump, like he’s a Russians spy...a complete witch hunt! We are a legitimate charity…we’ve been feeding the homeless for years on Destitute Day, February 29th and allowed them to use our outdoor pool.”
Alex Casio: “Their golf course property should be condemned and covered with solar panels. Damn those grass greens…we’re going green in different ways. Of course, we’ll have a to cut down most of the trees to be sure the solar panels are optimized. I’ve learned a lot about green stuff at my bartender job…like green olives, limes, pickles and the green beer I serve on St. Patrick’s Day.”
Question: How do feel about the new 5% tax on households earning more than $500,000 a year?”
Sandy Bernard: “Wonderland didn’t go far enough…the tax rate should be 70% and the income threshold should be lowered to $250,000. It can provide free college and health care for all.”
Paul Ronald: “Any tax is bad for a free economy. I’m putting my house up for sale and leaving Laicos County as fast as I can. This is just the start of a taxation trend. I’m relocating my company’s headquarters to a state that has no income taxes and is free of stifling regulations.”
Harry K. Llama: “Why should the new taxes pay for the stupid golf course operations? That revenue can be spent on free housing for the homeless and funding income for all, even if they don’t want to work.”
Warren Lizbet: “I lobbied Ms. Wonderland to create a wealth tax instead of an income tax. All rich people lie about their income on the Federal tax returns, so the County can’t use that as an accurate measurement. The wealthy should be taxed for their discriminating, I mean FAIR share of their wealth.”
John Garyson: “Alice N. Wonderland’s fantasy adventure is responsible for tens of millions of losses that Laicos County has recently incurred? The County made millions from GRIM, the former professional golf management company, and then some idiots came up with this decision to socialize the golf operations. Look at the massive problems that over-regulation has caused. Let the free market rule.”
Question: Do you believe that nudity should be allowed at Round-Trip Fields?
Michael Sterling Penny: “ABSOLUTELY NOT…moral decay in this country has gone to a thrilling extreme.”
Tony Wiener: “What’s wrong with letting people see your wiener?”
Daniel Storm: “I can’t wait to play with some celebrities who are famous.”
Jake Rubee: “Certainly NOT! The County will kill business at my Carousel Strip Club downtown.”
Will Burmills: “I’ve been skinny dipping with a stripper, Foxy Fanny, in the lake on the second hole for years. Now I can do it legally.”
Do you agree that lifting the ban on hookers, protective goggles and hardhats at the Laicos County Golf courses are good ideas?
Rose Jipsey: “Yes…I’m anxious to do a strip tease on the first tee of Round-Trip Fields. I’m a dancer at the Carousel Club, so happy that hookers can play golf again.”
Helmut Steel: “I couldn’t play golf wearing a heavy hard hat. All that metal on my head created mental problems for me…I got lost trying to navigate the courses because my compass kept pointing at my head. I kept walking in circles.”
Al “Lefty” Wright: “Those goofy goggles gave me double vision and a lot of double bogies since I got confused a lot. I’m right-handed but converting to a left-handed golfer, so I’ll be all right now.”
Sue Yourbutt: “I love the repeal on the safety items. Many more people will get hurt by golf balls again. I just recorded a new TV ad announcing the huge settlements my law firm negotiated from Laicos County and insurance companies for my clients who were injured on the County Golf courses.”
Should Alice N. Wonderland be subject to a recall vote?
John Q. Public: “No…she’s created a perfect utopia for the middle class and poor…and poor golfers too.”
Libby Commune: “She’s done a wonderful job. Opening the golf courses to all residents and creating a beautiful community is so democratic. She should run for President of the United States in 2020.”
Rock Macho: “Man, kick her out…the sooner the better. She and Hacker ruined three nice golf courses, so she better watch out. She ain’t too smart. I heard that she started a new political organization called the Mad-Tea Party and is planning to run for President and run the country into the hole too.”
Billy Hill: “I used to went to the bar at Round Trip for burgers, onion rings, and fries, but I don’t go no more with that crap food they cook. I liked the TP though…it was soft on my butt, so I steal some rolls. Now they growing that wacky tobacky there…it’s just gone to pot. Wonderland has been sitting on her pot way too long too and stunk up the whole place.”
Felicity Delight: “Are you dreaming…never? I really like to dine at Alice’s restaurants at the golf courses. Alice N. Wonderland is such a joy! She showers everyone with love and happiness.”
Looking Forward Through the Rear View Mirror
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