|
Report # 6: Stephen P. Bye; Correspondent for the Mirror Rearview, a fictional newspaper in Laicos County, an imaginary USA municipality. (October 25, 2018); Last week, I met with Lester “Duff” Hacker, the Golf Director for the Laicos County Golf courses. The following is the full content of my interview with him. Reporter: “After three months in the position as Director of Golf operations, how would you summarize your accomplishments so far?” Hacker: “Terrific…I give myself a ten rating…naturally, on a scale of ten.” Reporter: “Have you decided to start playing golf to evaluate the courses from a golfer’s perspective?” Hacker: “I see no reason to learn the game at this stage. I have such great ideas without knowing anything about the game of golf. The positive e-mails are flooding my in-box…more every day too!” Reporter: “I’ve been getting hundreds of messages from veteran golfers who are very upset with your changes. They feel that there are too many silly gimmicks and hundreds of rank amateurs playing who tie up the course for hours.” Hacker: “Those golfers are way too serious. We want to expand the number of players in Laicos County and have them enjoy the experience. We want to see smiling faces…not grumpy ones who complain about getting double boogers and triple boogers.” Reporter: “Mr. Hacker, I believe that they’re referring to double and triple bogies.” Hacker: “Oh…I thought they were talking about nasal problems…you know…boogers. What are bogies? Reporter: “A golf term when they score over par.” Hacker: “So they don’t feel up to par, huh? They should eat in our new health-oriented restaurants.” Reporter: “That’s another grievance. They miss the hot dogs, brats, fries, onion rings and nachos.” Hacker: “Well, they should get over it. All that junk food is not coming back. We want healthy golfers. No sugar either…we’ve cut out serving any kind of artificial beverages like soda…even diet soda. We only carry natural water and organic fruit and vegetable juices.” Reporter: “Last week, I ordered sugar for my coffee from the half-way house and they didn’t have any.” Hacker: “Stop right there, Mr. Bye. They’re not called half-way houses any more. You may recall that I didn’t want golfers to think that they were visiting a prison building or place for drug addicts. I’ve renamed them the “Sugar Shack”, “Love Shack” and “Psychedelic Shack”.” Reporter: “If you’re a sugar free environment, why did you label it the “Sugar Shack.” Hacker: “We wanted to be known as a sweet place, of course.” Reporter: “Oh, of course…that makes perfect sense. I stopped in the Psychedelic Shack two weeks ago. The menu had some interesting names for the food dishes and beer. How did that come about?” Hacker: “The course is named Round Trip Fields. Some of my old hippie friends told me that everything should reflect a hallucination trip, like they experienced after taking LSD. We looked up a lot of psychedelic terms for songs and music groups and picked out stuff that matched up with food.” Reporter: “Yeah…the names for the holes too. Have you ever experimented with LSD, Mr. Hacker?” Hacker: “Yes, I think that’s the brand of medicine that I take when I have a case of hemorrhoids.” Reporter: “I know a lot of really good golfers who refuse play Round-Trip Fields ever again. Players travelled here from all over the country to play it too, since all the golf magazines rated it as one of the toughest public golf courses in the U.S. They won’t come to play there anymore.” Hacker: “But now we’re getting hundreds on new players from Laicos County who’ve never played it before. They like the free golf balls, the bumpers and the curbs…and we’re collecting more fees with the designated golfer and the hypnotist. My best idea yet was for players to grade themselves by setting up their own scoring goals at Sausage Creek Links. People love to self-grade. That’s the procedure the County is using for annual employee performance reviews, since the new County Commissioners were voted in two years ago. That’s how I rose so quickly in the ranks in the Waste Department.” Reporter: “But many golfers want a set goal, like the course rating to measure their skills against.” Hacker: “They can always play Hammer Valley Club…they use the original par scoring system there.” Reporter: “That course is very easy. Low handicappers won’t play there either.” Hacker: “Mr. Bye…please don’t use the word handicap to describe our patrons. We refer to those folks as people with special needs.” Reporter: “Yes…I’m sorry. Since you mentioned special needs, how is the comfort animal program going? I heard that a few golfers brought pigs, horses, and snakes…python snakes.” Hacker: “Yes, I ‘ve had some pressure to restrict the type of animals. The horses and pigs deposited large piles of manure on the course and greens and two pythons crawled away into the brush.” Reporter: “Well, dogs cause problems too. Have you ever seen anyone who had to play out of a turd lie?" Hacker: No, I haven’t, but it sounds like it would be a crappy hit.” Reporter: “I played with a lady who had a dog that wanted to pick up my golf ball all the time. The mutt thought the balls were bones and gnawed through four of them, so they weren’t useable.” Hacker: “We have pet caddies now…they could keep the dogs away from your ball.” Reporter: “Why should I pay a pet caddie fee for another golfer who brings a comfort animal that’s not giving ME any comfort?” Hacker: “Well, you don’t want any more of your golf balls damaged or eaten…do you? So, Mr. Bye…I see that it’s three o’clock and I’ve put in my challenging five hours for the day. I must end the interview now and get home to relax. This job is very stressing.” Reporter: “Certainly, Mr. Hacker. I wouldn’t want Laicos County to have to pay you for overtime. Thanks so much for sharing your valuable time with me this afternoon. Good luck.” "Looking Forward Through The Rear View Mirror"
Related Articles -
humor, satire, golf,
| 
