Airplane Toilet Challenges (Part I) |
Most of you have flown on an airplane at some point in your life and probably had to use the toilet facilities on a flight. Most of the older planes were better designed for travelers, however, as time has passed, the airlines have added more rows, shrunk the seat widths, eliminated a potty or two, and shrunk the size of the restroom. They might as well post a sign outside the toilet door… “skinny folks only”.
Have you ever rushed to the gate to board a plane and didn’t have time for a last restroom stop? And then, how often is your plane held in the staging area for some senseless reason? The pilot repeatedly warns everyone several times to stay seated, but suddenly, the alarm arrives that you need to urinate. Initially, you likely suppress the urgency to go and congratulate yourself on the immediate victory, but five minutes later, as the impulse gets more acute, the situation becomes serious. At that moment, the following instructions are recommended.
1) Squirm into multiple positions in the seat. 2) Stretch and compress your hips tightly. 3) Bite your lip 4) Pray that the pilot turns the seatbelt sign off. 5) Risk arrest by unbuckling the seatbelt and plot a mad dash to the toilet. Unfortunately, it’s too late as the plane starts rolling down the runway. Perspiration now pours down your forehead and your armpits release more liquid than a leaky faucet. With the plane a mere three thousand feet in the air, you’re desperate and capitulate using the following steps:
1) Race to the rear toilets as fast as you can. 2) Avoid any eye contact with the passengers. 3) Pretend you cannot hear the flight attendants, who scream into the intercom for you to return to your seat. 4) Avoid bumping into the passengers along the way. 5) Congratulate yourself on reaching the toilet door.
Surprisingly, the folding toilet door is apparently stuck and will not open, so use the following scheme:
1) Kick the door several times. 2) When a stewardess leans around the corner from her galley seat, distort your face and hold your crotch with your right hand. 3) Pretend you’re deaf, unable to hear the flight attendant, who informs you that the toilet door remains locked until the seatbelt light is turned off by the pilot. 4) Jump from one leg to another when the attendant orders you to return to your seat. 5) Cross your legs and hold your crotch with both hands. 6) Offer the attendant a five-dollar bribe to open the toilet door. 7) Offer the attendant a ten-dollar bribe to open the toilet door. 8) Offer the attendant a twenty-dollar bribe to open the toilet door. 9) Swear under your breath at the attendant for rejecting your offers. 10) Relax as the warm urine runs down your leg, soaking your pants and underwear. 11) Congratulate yourself on wearing black pants…the wet stains aren’t that obvious. 12) Before a puddle of urine collects on the thin carpet, nonchalantly scrape the pee across the surface with the edges of your shoes. 13) Grab a magazine from the closest seatback and quickly return to your seat, holding the magazine in front of your crotch area. 14) As you prepare to sit, point out toward the window to distract the adjacent passenger. 15) Cross your legs and tell the neighboring passenger you’re warm. 16) Open the air vent to the limit, pointing it toward your wet pants. 17) Pretend to fall asleep. 18) Get off the plane quickly after it lands.
Looking Forward Through the Rear View Mirror
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