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In many families, an uncontrollable teenager is almost the norm. The strange thing is that the family revolves around him and this has to change. Every argument, fight or outburst has the teenager at the centre of attention. That has to change because the family has to operate as a unit and each member has to be able to get on with his life. The parent wants to get back in control but often approaches it in the wrong way. The first thing to do is to stop the yelling yourself although that at times is incredibly difficult to achieve. You just want to shout back because you have been provoked to the point of a violent reaction. But if we think about this, we are behaving just like the uncontrollable teenager and we have become the uncontrollable parent! That is descending to his level and adopting the same tactics as he is doing. The fact that you are angry and out of control gives him a great sense of power because he has gotten a reaction. There must be a better way and there is. Let us think about what is going on in the mind of the teenager. Once the yelling starts, he sees that this works and is effective for gaining control but also he sees it as a way of excluding you. There is no communication going on when there is yelling. Even consequences which tend to get more extreme just will be ignored and the teenager will seek support from his peer group. This also makes him feel more powerful. The next thing to do is to make sure that communications with your teen in normal circumstances is done calmly and with a positive spin. You can suggest that you talk with the TV off or that there is no shouting from one room to another. If he sees that you are calm then that is a step in the right direction. Studies show that teens can read our minds and they can immediately tell if we are angry or frustrated just by looking at us or listening to our tone of voice. The great thing about stopping the arguments is to make sure that the rules are established and written down on the notice board. That stops every little request turning into a yelling match. All you have to do is to point to where the rules are. Otherwise every request turns into a power struggle and we have to avoid that. If you do find that you are getting into another row with your uncontrollable teenager then you can calmly state that you are not in favour of communicating like this and leave the room. The fight stops there because you have removed yourself from the battlefield. These then are just some of the ways we can help ourselves to get back in control when confronted with an uncontrollable teenager. These are just a few of the many strategies we need to adopt to be effective parents. Is your family being pulled apart by an uncontrollable teenager? Look for effective children behaviour programs to help you with the essential parenting skills so that you can get back in control.
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