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Once again, Ralph Reuters, roving reporter extraordinaire, was Johnny-on-the-spot with another exclusive story. This one occupied half a dozen inches of space on page 12 in a recent Sunday edition of the Bangkok Post. The scoop was entitled, "Taipei Temple God Kidnapped for Ransom." The Bangkok Post and The Nation--the two major daily newspapers of Thailand printed in English--both arrive a day late on Koh Samui, and as far as I know, Koh Samui is the only place where they arrive a day late. (There are, of course, places in Thailand where these newspapers don't arrive at all, but for the time being that is neither here nor there.) So, it was Monday noon when I came upon Ralph's story in the Sunday paper, and--eager to catch up with the goings on in the world at large--I proceeded to wade into the typically shallow depths of his article. The opening sentence was, "A statue God was kidnapped from a Taoist temple in Taiwan's capital Taipei." (Don't try reading that out loud.) An employee of the temple identified the statue as a "Land Grandfather," who is revered for maintaining peace and prosperity. A ransom letter was sent to the temple demanding 50,000 Taiwan dollars for the release of the deity, and warned the temple not to alert the police. Nevertheless, the employee indicated that the police had been informed and he was quoted as saying, "What is the kidnapper gonna do, kill God?" Furthermore, the temple has no intention of agreeing to the ransom demand. If the police fail to rescue the Land Grandfather, the temple is prepared to purchase a new God. As the employee remarked, "Hell, with 50,000 dollars we can buy ten Gods." Ralph ends the piece with one of his trademark constructions of the English language. "Land Grandfathers are among the most common deities worshipped." Where are they worshipped, Ralph? And where is your editor? As is rarely the case, this particular confection of Ralph's managed to provoke some thought. Specifically, the thought was about what might happen if God was kidnapped and held for ransom…. Let's suppose the ransom price was one trillion US dollars, and for the sake of simplicity, we'll assume that the God kidnapped is the God of the Gospels. Buddhists don't have any Gods; Hindus and Africans have too many; and Muslims . . . well, it's just too horrifying to imagine…. The ransom would probably be a trillion human sacrifices. There are over a billion Christians in this world, their God has been down here before, and you'd think quite a stir would develop if he was abducted. What would be the world's reaction? Lying in my hammock, looking out across the bay, I imagined the scenario…. A spokesman for the United Nations was contacted at the New York headquarters. The interview went something like this: "What is the position of the UN in regard to meeting the ransom demand?" "Well, I'm afraid ransoming God is simply not in our budget at this time. We've just finished celebrating our fiftieth anniversary and believe me that cost a large chunk of loot . . . I mean, money. Also, there's the war in Czechoslovakia, resettlement of the refugees in West Gondwana, peace negotiations in Assyria, and of course, our fifty-first anniversary is now less than a year away. So, as I say, I'm afraid the one trillion dollars to ransom God is out of the question." "But there are more than a billion Christians in this world . . ." "Well, yes. But I should like to say that this is the same God who was down here once before, and that time he got himself nailed to a cross. Afterwards, a lot of people were fed to lions. What's this guy's problem? Seems to me he's just looking for trouble. If he gets himself out of the mess he's in now, maybe he should take a hint and stay away." "But He sacrificed His life so that mankind might be saved from evil." "Yeah, well, it didn't work out that way did it? He should have read a newspaper before he came back. He's wasting his time. Let the UN solve the world's problems. That's what we're here for. This God business is just messing things up." Next stop was the US State Department, where the spokesperson for the day was a rather dour-looking female named Ms. Rabble. "The US government," she thus spoke, "has long maintained a policy of separation between Church and State. Therefore, although we are officially outraged by the kidnapping of God, we cannot divert taxpayers money to meet the ransom demand." "What, if anything, is the US government doing in response to this incident?" "Well, first of all, we are, of course, monitoring television coverage of the story; secondly, we have established a task force to investigate the situation; and thirdly, we have set up an open, toll-free hotline to communicate with the kidnappers." "What did they say?" "They said they want a trillion dollars for the release of God." "What was the State Department's response?" "Our response was, 'Tough shit, we don't negotiate with terrorists.'" "Then what did they say?" "Nothing. They hung up." "Is there any public outcry amongst the predominantly Christian population of America to take deliberate action in an attempt to save God?" "Well, there has been some lobbying going on for that purpose from a couple of religious fringe groups--the Catholics, for example--but for the most part, the American people seem to feel that if this fellow who has been kidnapped is really God, then he ought to be able to handle the situation himself. "In fact, I have here the results of a poll recently conducted by Time magazine, CNN, and Women's Wear Weekly. This poll reflects the general sentiment of the American people at large. The results were as follows. "Seventy percent were skeptical, saying that they'd need some sort of proof that the man in captivity really is God. Wiping out the entire US national debt was the specific sort of proof most of the respondents suggested. "Fifteen percent said that if it was a man in captivity, then it couldn't be God; ten percent were upset because the TV coverage of this story has interrupted their favorite daytime soap operas and game shows; and five percent said they thought God was already dead a long time ago, anyway. "Now, as I mentioned before, our Constitution prohibits the direct involvement of the US government into affairs of religion." "Ms. Rabble, it was said by James Madison, and I quote, 'We have staked the whole future of the American civilization . . . upon the capacity of each and all of us to govern ourselves, to control ourselves, to sustain ourselves, according to the Ten Commandments of God,' unquote. In other words, without God, Ms. Rabble, the very moral foundation of this great nation would go to ruin." "And who might this James Madison be?" "This James Madison was the primary author of the Constitution of the United States." "Yes, well, I'm sure our research staff will be able to verify that, but let me point out to you that we consider the US Constitution to be a living document, and living things evolve. They change, they adapt, and what the sentiments may have been two hundred years ago are not in line with the way people feel these days." "So, you will do nothing to save God?" "A trillion dollars is a trillion dollars, sir. That's a lot of weapons and welfare payments, foreign aid, food for the needy, and retirement benefits for ex-US State Department spokespersons. We have our priorities, and at this stage of our evolution, God is not one of them. "Maybe you should approach the United Nations on this matter. There are dignitaries at the UN representing constituencies who believe in thousands of Gods." "The UN has already been contacted." "And? Were they able to help?" "They suggested the Christian congregation should adopt another God. They offered to donate one or two African or Hindu deities." "Well, there you are. A splendid idea. Actually, just the other day I read an article about some kind of Grandfather God or whatnot that was being held for ransom in Taiwan. You know what the temple spokesman said?" "Yes." "He said, 'Hell, with 50,000 dollars….'" Morgan McFinn is from Chicago and currently resides in Cambodia with his wife. He has a B.A. degree in Philosophy from Georgetown University. Much of his work should be considered humorous and fictionalized memoirs. There are also satirical essays. Location settings include SE Asia, India & Greece Excerpts, reviews & purchase information are available at his website: http://www.morganmcfinn.com
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Morgan McFinn, dieties, religion, parody, God kidnapped for ransom, the United Nations, the US State Department, James Madison and the US Constitution, newspa,
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