Birds do it. Bees do it. And even highly un-educated fleas do it. So… sex is easy, right? In most cases the answer is yes. But good sex – and by that we're talking connected, intimate and fulfilling sex for both participants – doesn't always come as naturally as we hope or expect. So, you want to know how to make sex better? The truth is, sustaining a good love life in a long-term relationship is hard, and spontaneity and chemistry will only take you so far before boredom, familiarity and life get in the way. Good sex takes effort. There, we've said it. |
How to Make Sex Better
Here's the thing: every day via TV, the media, the Internet and Hollywood we're constantly being exposed to the notion that instant chemistry or "love at first sight" is what we should all aspire to. And that, once we've found our Mr Right (or at least our Mr Right Now) our undying love will be enough to fan the original spark of desire into an eternal fire. And if we really love each other, we'll be "up for it" any time and it will always be as exciting as the first time. But if you accept that it's normal for the attraction between a couple to wax and wane, and that good sex takes effort (see, we said it again), opening your mind to actually putting in that effort becomes far easier.
Commit to your Intentions
If you want a good body you need to commit to some kind of regular fitness regime. Effort in, rewards out. The same goes for intimacy. Spontaneity has its place, but when children, work and the trappings of a busy life are added to the mix it's simply not going to happen. You need to state your intentions and stick to them. Make a date for some uninterrupted together time and don’t let anything get in the way.
It's not about simply adding sex to a to-do list, though. The time you schedule together doesn't actually even have to be for intercourse. What you're doing is setting your intention to spend time in each other's company and then allowing yourselves the time and space to simply "be" together. The way you spend that time is completely up to you, but whatever you do, do it mindfully. That is, follow through on your intentions of intimacy.
While many people are not keen on the idea of "planning" intimacy, the truth is that in the early stages of a relationship it's all about the planning. It's part of what builds the tension, attractions and excitement. Who doesn't buy a new outfit and take extra care with their appearance when a romance is new? Familiarity breeds content (see what we did there?) and being content means being less inclined to make the extra effort with our appearance and thinking up special dates. Back in the early days you deliberately set out to make the romance happen and, voila! Romance (and, presumably, sex) happened. Getting the picture?
Change your Thinking
If you want to know how to make sex better in a long-term relationship, you're going to have to let go of the romantic notion that all you need is love, and the rest just magically "happens" - forever. The thing is, nothing good every really just happens: it takes intention, it takes mindfulness and it takes action. Sex is no different.
Juliette Karaman-van Schaardenburg is a director at TurnOn Britain and a qualified OneTaste coach and Orgasmic Meditation trainer. She works with both couples and singles, teaching them how to make sex better by tuning into their body and intuition.
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