Special Report # 7: A series from Stephen P. Bye; Correspondent for the Mirror Rearview, a fictional newspaper in Laicos County, an imaginary USA municipality. |
(November 11, 2018) Yesterday, the County Executives had a ribbon-cutting ceremony at Sausage Creek Links to celebrate the grand opening of the renovated clubhouse. Alice N. Wonderland was given the honor of cutting the large blue ribbon at the front entrance of the building, as most of the Laicos County Executives linked their arms in solidarity. Lester “Duff” Hacker, the Golf Commissioner who orchestrated the transformation of the golf club over the past three months, made a few comments followed by a long applause. About one hundred county residents were invited to join, as well as several members of the press. Immediately after the sizzling hot afternoon ceremony concluded, one hundred blue sausage link-shaped balloons, were launched into the clear sky.
Ms. Wonderland led us on a tour of the clubhouse facility. Our first stop was in the basement where the comfort room is located. Hacker pointed out that his vision of the comfort room arose after observing frustrated golfers swearing, tossing clubs, or breaking them over their knees on the course, as well as kicking their cars repeatedly after completing their round. The comfort room was created for a safe place to relax before or after the round for golfers to handle their inhibitions or frustrations. Hacker added that he selected the basement as the perfect location for the comfort room, as no one could attempt to jump out a window, since there weren’t any in the subterranean level of the building. The padded walls are painted in soft pastel colors, with unique a specially designed indirect lighting plan, which changes intermittently. Six couches and two water beds, all adorned with large pillows, are separated by large natural plants. Each couch and bed has a headset for golfers to listen to an array of soothing music, selected by a team of consultants. Two private booths are placed in opposite corners of the room, where golfers can call an emergency number to speak with a psychologist at the Laicos County Hospital. Ms. Wonderland pointed to a dispenser, where the golfers can purchase a black mask to cover their eyes or a soft rubber ball to squeeze during their session.
The group split up to tour the women’s and men’s locker room facilities. Hacker led the men on a tour of the Gentlemen’s bathroom, where two attendants dressed in white tuxedos and white gloves stood at attention. I noticed their names stenciled on their silver-plated tags…one guy was named John Flusher and the other was Lou Lavabo. Hacker pointed to the air cleaning system, when every minute, a flowery scent was pumped into the air.The bathroom stalls are separated by soundproof walls, finished in natural walnut. Hacker unrolled a few stands of toilet paper and pressed it to his cheek, gloating about the moisturized feel and soft texture. He directed us to four private shower stalls, pointed to the multi-head showers that created a special rainfall effect. Finally, he pointed to the gold-plated sink fixtures, bragging that his bathroom upgrades were the highest quality of any public golf operation in the country. When a reporter of a television crew asked him about the cost of the improvements, Hacker shrugged, replying that he was given an open-ended budget. He further elaborated that money was no object if meant that the Laicos County residents had an overall pleasurable experience.
The men and women congregated in the restaurant, now called The Laicos Link-Inn, where the golfers could network with their friends and meet new folks around community tables. Hacker indicated that traditional square private tables were replaced with round ones at the recommendation of five sociologists, to promote friendliness and to encourage open conversations. The dining room was lit by ten gold-plated chandeliers and the walls were painted in a watercolor pattern. The wait staff was smartly dressed in white shirts and pants, with red waistcoats, red bow-ties as well as red and white polka-dot designer tennis shoes. Ms. Wonderland introduced the new chef, Russ Tarrant, who had been hired from a famous New York City bistro. Tarrant gave a brief overview of his menu plans, focusing on locally grown farm to table ingredients. He also introduced his assistant, Sue Sheff.
Our last stop was the golf pro shop, where light symphonic music was piped into through multiple speakers creating a pleasant stereo affect. The head golf-pro, Frank Furter, escorted around the room, which had many mannikins dressed in fashionable golf attire, ordered from designers in Milan, Paris, and Miami. I checked the price tags on several items, which seemed to be very expensive compared to other stores in the area where I shop. I peeked into one of the dressing rooms, which was furnished with two plush chairs are five-sided mirrors. Furter reported that a couturier named “Stich” Taylor, had been hired to ensure perfect fittings for the shoppers.
As I waited for the valet to deliver my car, I briefly spoke with Jim Nasticks, a long-time conservative member of the Laicos County Commission. He explained that he attended the ribbon-cutting event only to see how Les Hacker had spent County funds. He was livid at the outrageous expenditures and policies that Hacker had implemented. An avid golfer, Nasticks added that he will never play the three county courses again, sighting the ridiculous transformation of three great golf operations into silly amusement parks. He recently joined the Laicos Country Club and now plays golf there.
My next report will be in two weeks.
"Looking Forward Through The Rear View Mirror"
Related Articles -
humor, satire, golf,