Special Report # 11; An on-going series from Stephen P. Bye; Correspondent for the Mirror Rearview, a fictional newspaper in Laicos County, an imaginary USA municipality. Please refer to the previous ten reports on the five-month history of the transformation that has occurred at the three Laicos County public golf courses. |
(January 12, 2019) The Laicos County Commissioners held a public hearing earlier this week at the Laicos County Auditorium after an audit revealed that over twenty million dollars have been spent by the County on improvements made at the three public golf courses. It was further reported that operating losses have climbed to one million dollars per month. As a result, the County Executives are considering a possible closure of the three County golf courses. Over two thousand people attended, and the shouting became vicious at times with several hundred more protesters marching outside the hall.
The County Executive, Alice N. Wonderland, conducted the meeting and when she took the podium, her supporters stood and applauded for over five minutes. A few minutes later, at least five hundred of her opponents forced their way into the auditorium, choreographing alternate chants… “Wonderland is Fantasy” and “To hell with Wonderland.”
When Executive Golf Director, Les “Duff” Hacker, began to address the audience, taunts of “Enough of Duff” and “Duff is a Hack” echoed through the hall. After a few minutes, repetitive loud coughing sounds erupted, apparently playing off his last name. Many of his critics also hoisted signs reading “More less of Les”. Hacker suddenly left the podium after two minutes, unable to quiet the crowd.
The event turned into a circus as the opposing groups tried to outshout the other and the police were called to control the crowd after some fistfights broke out. The hearing literally ended in tears after the police fired mustard gas into the arena. Fifty protesters were arrested, including veteran County Commissioner, Jim Nasticks, who was subdued after tumbling on the ground with three of Wonderland’s supporters. Through an unnamed source, I was able to obtain a list of ideas that the Executive Council is considering for the three golf courses. • Convert all three golf courses to public parks, since non-golfers are currently being discriminated from enjoying the County owned land. • Sell the golf course land to a developer to build affordable housing. To appease the golfers, some of the proceeds can be reinvested in a miniature golf operation and driving range near the municipal land fill. • Keep the County courses open but require that golfers volunteer their time to maintain the course. • Plant cannabis in the rough areas and harvest the crops for sale. The increase in revenue will be a windfall for the golf course facilities. Marijuana can be sold in the clubhouse for golfers to further enhance their rounds. • Adopt a tariff on the golf rounds played at the private Laicos Country Club to raise revenue for the Laicos public courses. In addition, reassess the Laicos Country Club property based upon its highest and best use as prime residential development land. The increase in tax revenue will be allocated to the operation of the Laicos County public courses. • Fire Les “Duff’ Hacker and reinstate Golf Really Incredible Management as operator for all County courses. Tear out all the improvements made under Hacker’s supervision. • Sell the courses to a private operator under a sale/leaseback agreement. The County will lease the land in perpetuity at $1/year and allow the public to play for free. • Hold an immediate recall vote for Alice N. Wonderland and her allies on the Executive Council. • Eliminate the requirement for wearing hardhats and protective goggles as well as reinstate golfers who were banned from playing because of the no-hooking policy.
After the hearing, I asked Ms. Wonderland about the rumor of a recall vote on her position as County Executive. She laughed and then added, “What a ridiculous suggestion…I’m doing a really great job.”
I then asked her about the suggestion for growing cannabis on the courses. Ms. Wonderland seemed spacey, struggling for words, and finally stammered… “We have a few crack-pots on our Council, like Mary and Wanda, who made that suggestion…I mean Mary Reefah and Wanda Hashwead.” I confronted Wonderland about her comment since she was quoted two weeks ago supporting growing cannibals on the golf courses and allowing golfers to smoke marijuana, even though a non-smoking ban had been instituted months ago. She quickly added… “Only a dope would admit saying that. It was a false report…a smoke screen that my critics planted in the fake media.”
A person close to “Duff” Hacker told me that he has been very distressed since the confrontation at the public hearing. He’s apparently desperate for finding a solution to the dilemma the County now finds itself in. The source reported that Hacker is delusional, repeatedly asking Amazon Alexa for help or consulting a Magic 8 Ball for suggestions. He also bought a Ouija Board and is consulting with Clare Voyant, the soothsayer that he hired to hypnotize golfers on the Round Trip Fields golf course.
The Commissioners will hold a closed-door meeting next week to vote on the suggestions that have been proposed.
Looking Forward Throgh the Rear View Mirror
Related Articles -
Golf; Satire, Humor, Golf Club, Politics,