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Coaching in the National Basketball Association The broadcast of an NBA game regularly features the head coaching speaking to the team during the time-outs. You may have seen the coach yelling out: “More rebounding! We need to rebound! Get the boards! Hustle down the court! Run! We need tougher defense! Tighter defense! Get the loose balls! More rebounding!” There would be more dialogue except the recording must delete profane comments like “Get the f…..g rebound!” or “We need to f…..g defend!” The rookie coaches who are hoping to reach double-digit wins for the season will get on his knees and address the team: “Please get a rebound” or “please run down the court…just once!” If you often watch NBA telecasts, you will notice that the banter doesn’t matter from team to team…all the coaches say the same thing, except the number of profane words might change from coach to coach. Note…the short tapes have more profanity because of the deletions, while the longer recordings have less profanity. Note: There is also a high correlation for veteran coaches to use excessive profanity. It is now common for a coach to be interviewed by the roving reporter during a commercial break between quarters or at the end of the first half. The reporter’s question is always… “How can your team overcome your teams’ blah…blah...blah.” (fill in the blank). The coach glares at the reporter and wants to say…what kind of stupid question is that? Instead, a veteran coach simply says… “We need to play smarter” while a rookie coach will banter on ad nauseum until the reporter yanks the mic away to air the commercial . Check out the players the next time the coach speaks to them during a time-out. The veteran players will repeatedly yawn and cover their heads with a towel. The young players will sit on the edge of their seat hoping to hear every word, while they nod their head in agreement. The players who are not on the floor gather around in a circle behind the coach, pretending to listen, but are checking out the most glamorous women in the stands. The guys who never expect to play may be yakking with rich people sitting next to the bench seats, begging for a few kernels of their popcorn. As soon as a time-out is called, the head coach gathers his top assistants at center court. You would think they are discussing strategy or the substitution pattern. You’re wrong…they’re debating what restaurant or bar they’re meeting at after the game. When the game result is no longer in question, the coach often uses chalk board when he addresses the team and holds a magic marker. Most people believe that the coach is drawing up the next play. They’re wrong…the 60 second time-out allows for three quick games of tic-tac-toe or one game of hangman. Occasionally a coach with artistic talent and draws a landscape on the pad, using multiple colored magic markers. Sometimes the coach asks the assistants to tell jokes to relax the players. The team trainer often hands out bottles during the breaks…everyone assumes the contents are either water or energy liquids…WRONG! Trainers are normally training to be a bartender when their career ends…the liquid in the bottle is really the latest exotic cocktail that the trainer just cooked up. However, the giveaway is when the trainer hands the player a lime or a lemon, although a paper umbrella is very hard to hide. You may wonder what happens during half-time in the locker room other than discussing what went right or wrong in the first 24 minutes. If the game is close and a win is critical, the coach will make an emotional plea to play harder and show a tape of Gene Hackman’s speech from the movie, “Hoosiers.” The veteran players will drape a large towel over their head and discretely catch up with their text messages. The oldest player will lie on a couch and take a nap. When the coach speaks, the rookie players will yell “right on” or “let’s go” and clap their hands after every remark. If the game is a blow-out, the coach will show a 10-minute Three Stooges video. What transpires in the locker room after a game? If the team is victorious, the players hug one another, and high-fives abound. A veteran player fires up a boom box, turning the volume higher every minute. The coach stands on a chair and yells out accolades to the players, who immediately drift away to the showers. The lady commentator tries to interview the 7-foot-tall star of the game, awkwardly holding the microphone upwards eighteen inches, but is frustrated by his one-word responses as he stares down at her cleavage. Meanwhile, the cameraman catches bare asses of three players exiting the showers. The coach meets the media in the press room and articulates nearly every play in the game, droning on for an hour until the last reporter finally leaves the room. If the team loses the game, the locker room is as silent as a tomb until the head coach enters the room. The coach goes into a tirade and rips each player one by one, even the guys who never got into the game, as well as the towel boy. When the coach leaves the room to address the media, the players applaud and leave the locker room immediately to spare themselves more criticism later. The team’s PR liaison begs for a player to speak with the lady commentator in the hallway, although the team ball boy is drafted to do the interview. Meanwhile, the coach meets the media in the press room and articulates nearly every play in the game, droning on for an hour until the last reporter finally leaves the room. The NBA schedule consists of 82 regular season games and the playoffs could add up to 28 more games. In addition, there are typically ten exhibition games…there is only so much a coach can tell the players other than reading off the names in the local telephone book. One team owner is considering about firing the entire coaching staff and hire a technology expert to import Artificial Intelligence into the game of basketball. Starting line-ups, substitution patterns, and specific plays would be determined by AI throughout the game. During the time-out breaks, a speaker will pipe in inspirational or humorous lines from famous basketball movies like “Hoosiers”, “White Men Can’t Jump”, “He Got Game”, and “Hoop Dreams”. Before the game, motivational songs like “Gonna Fly Now” (the theme song from the movie, “Rocky”), “Danger Zone”, “I Put a Spell on You”, “I’m Still Standing”. “Jump”, “Cloud Nine”, “Urgent”, “Move on Up”, “Jumpin’ Jack Flash”, “The Final Countdown”, and “I Will Survive” will be blasted throughout the locker room. After the game, an AI meme will be used to address the team and the media . By dismissing the coaches, this revolutionary move by the team owner will save nearly $25 million in annual salaries and travel costs. "The Developer" Novel Series
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