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What to do when your partner makes you feel small by Lisa Hayes
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What to do when your partner makes you feel small |
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Relationships
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I recently read an article in Oprah Magazine about how to diffuse the behavior of a meany. Reading the article made me cringe because it brought up a plethora of unpleasant memories of relationships past where I, myself endured many an embarrassing moment at the hands of a partner that was just plain mean. Those small or even passive aggressive humiliations were intended to keep me quiet or more specifically keep me feeling small. Unfortunately I have a couple of dear friends that are currently still in the grips of this kind of emotional abuse and it controls them. There is a very specific brand to this type of emotional abuse. It's called psychological decomposition. In short that means, the abuser, in many small ways, frequently, and I mean very frequently engages in a verbal behavior intended to make the other partner feel small, incompetent, or embarrassed. This can range from subtle insults about how the partner dresses, to a nagging "why can't you do anything right?", to passive aggressive "jokes" at the victim partners expense in public. The key to psychological decomposition is not the degree or severity of the attack, but the frequency. It's a little bit like Chinese water torture. Over the course of weeks, months, and years, it leaves the victim partner feeling incredibly incompetent and afraid. Typically they will find it almost impossible to leave the abusive relationship because they genuinely believe to their core that they will fail without the dominant or abusing partner. This calculated method of domination in relationships is not limited to any specific gender role. In about equal proportions men and women engage in perpetrating this type of abuse or suffer from it's wrath. Unfortunately, this type of abuse can go on a very long time for two reasons. First the abuser never really gets "caught". The ugliness of this behavior might be noticed by others, however, it is almost never called out. Secondly, the self esteem of the victim partner deteriorates to the point that they quit trying to defend themselves against the attacks and almost rarely consider leaving. Over time they begin to believe they are incompetent and would fail without their partner who "takes care of them". How do you know if you are a victim of psychological decomposition? If you answer NO to three or more of these questions, you may want to take a serious look at this issue in your relationship. 1. Does your partner bring out the best in you? Does your partner make you feel confident? 2. Do you look forward to seeing your partner at the end of the day? 3. Do you feel confident problem solving daily life issues on your own? 4. Would it be OK for you to plan and go on a weekend trip with a friend without your partner? 5. Do you have equal control or input over the family budget or finances? 6. Are you open and honest with your partner about all your spending? 7. Do you enjoy attending social functions with friends or family with your partner? 8. Do you feel confident making family plans on your own knowing they will be well received by your partner? If you suspect you are a victim of psychological decomposition what should you do about it? 1. Make a commitment to yourself to stop it every time. The next time your partner belittles you, subtly or outright, notice where you feel that in your body. The body is an amazing record keeper. It never gets it wrong. Make a commitment to yourself that every time you feel that feeling in your body you will take note and stick up for yourself. That can be as simple as immediately walking away from the abuser without engaging or continuing the conversation, to something a bit more daring, calling it out. "Hey, that's just mean. I don't deserve that and I would appreciate you not talking to me that way anymore." *Warning-most bullies will be stunned by you sticking up for yourself, usually to the point of stopping. Being called on your bad behavior is always embarrassing. However, a true abuser will take that as a sign of aggression and double up their efforts by getting angry, even more passive aggressive, or out right more overtly aggressive. 2. Spend time with people that make you feel good about yourself. Acknowledge that spending more then a couple weeks with someone who picks away at your sense of self worth may actually cause some damage. By spending time with people who love and nurture you, you will be able to build your self esteem and have more energy in reserves to stand up to the bully. 3. Get counseling from a professional. The most certain predictor of the quality of your life, personal and professional, is the quality of your self esteem. If you are engaged in a relationship that is damaging to your self esteem you may very well need the help of a professional to help you see the light and get back on track. 4. Seriously consider getting the hell out of the relationship. Bottom line is you cannot control the behavior of another. You can only control yourself. If you are in a relationship of any kind, romantic, friendship, professional, where psychological decomposition is going on, it is quite likely the abusing counter-part will not change. You may very well need to leave that relationship. Be prepared to accept that abuse is of any kind is not acceptable and take a stand for yourself that you will no longer accept it in any form.
Related Articles -
relationship, abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, divorce,
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