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No matter how much you love your man there are no guarantees your love will last forever, or ways to make sure it does. Until now, that is. American psychologist Dr John Gottman, from the Relationship Research Institute, has studied hundreds of couples to try and discover the key elements vital to the long-term success of any relationship. From his research over a number of years, Dr Gottman found that relationships in which partners displayed the two 'good couple' habits had a 91 percent chance of being happy ever after - pretty high, then. We explain how to incorporate these habits into your own relationships, so you can have the same success. Showing Your Admiration Dr Gottman believes contempt - which is the opposite of admiration - is the most damaging element a relationship can have. This lack of respect usually comes out in casual insults and sarcastic remarks. And it's not just damaging on the surface - it's also a sign of an underlying inequality in a relationship, which Dr Gottman believes is difficult to repair. Long-term couples take time to tell their partner how much they admire them, which protects against this kind of damage. Your First Step to Making it last Forever Make a two-pronged attack. You need to be able to show your admiration for your man and let him do the same for you. The first step is learning to accept a compliment, rather than dismissing it. (‘I'm good at running? You're having a laugh - I'm terrible at it.’) Don't over-analyze it either (‘Is he saying I'm funny because really he thinks I'm fat?’). You'll know your man admires you from the way he shows you off to his friends and includes you in conversations. Now, make sure he knows how proud you are of him - maybe he nabbed a promotion when all the odds were stacked against him or he cooks the best steak since Gordon Ramsay. Everyday, say how amazing you think he is and you'll set up a pattern for him to return the favor - forever. The 5:1 Positivity Ratio Dr Gottman believes the second key habit in staying together forever is that for every negative thing you do or say, you need to balance it out with five positive things. Why? Negative remarks stick in our minds longer. Couples who stick to the 5:1 positivity ratio have learnt an important lesson because even if you're in the middle of a fight, you're not attacking one another. Racking up positives can be as easy as making your other half a cup of tea, giving them a hug or saying: ‘You look hot.’ It's all about making your partner feel special. Your Second Step to Making It Last Forever There's only one stumbling block to the positivity ratio - the fact we're not always conscious of our behavior. If you come from a family where your parents frequently put you down, you might have learnt to be critical about yourself. It's important you become more aware of your words and actions. The best way is pausing for a count of five before you speak, so you have time to edit what you're saying. So, even when you're having another fight over whose turn it is to buy the loo roll, stop and think about your behavior. If you take the above advice on board and try to adopt this habit, the two of you could be on course for a happy life together. But before you do that, take a look at the relationship red alerts you need to be aware of, too. Red Alert Five warning signs Dr Gottman has identified five key emotional reactions to watch out for in you or your guy, any of which indicates that your relationship probably won't last the distance. If you recognize them in either of you there's a good chance you won't have a happy ending unless one, or both, of you are prepared to change. 1. Defensiveness: does he jump down your throat every time you challenge his behavior? 2. Stonewalling: does he withdraw from difficult conversations and give you the silent treatment? 3. Criticism: Is he scathing, insulting and sarcastic about your achievements, passions and hopes. 4. Selective deafness: does he tend to switch off whenever you tell him what you're up to or how you feel. 5. An overriding desire to be right: does he care more about being the one in the right than finding a solution to an argument? For more articles on sexual health subscribe to Sandra Prior’s online newsletter at http://intercell.shacknet.nu.
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